If I am being honest, I keep hoping this is just a test of my faith. That if I get to a point of 100% surrender, a point of 100% trust I won’t really have to walk down the Amyloidosis path…..but then reality sets in. I know thats not who My God is, so why can’t I just give that part up? I finally broke down on Saturday. Lucy and I are doing a Bible study on Dangerous Prayers (didn’t that come at just the right time) and I asked her, if God is good, where is good in Amyloidosis. I couldn’t believe my mouth said it, of course God is good, why would I say that, do I really think that? When I think of Amyloidosis all I see is my dad, laying in bed, unable to move, hallucinating, it was hard to watch, I don’t want to put Brad or the boys through that.
Will I go through that, can my prayers change the course. I have been emailing our associate pastor at church, he is the only one outside of friends that are family that I have told because how do I submit to God’s Will on this. I want to be obedient to God, I want to do what He wants for my life, but Amyloidosis I just can’t right now submit to that. Back to Saturday, it felt good to break down, she has always been a good landing spot, no expectations, I just let go. In the middle of it, she made me realize it was all what I wanted….I don’t want to walk this road, I want to be here for my kids to help them grow, I don’t want to put them through a painful death of their mama, I don’t want that for Brad, it’s not fair, and she kindly pointed out the I….OH.
I wish I could say that its all wrapped up in a nice little bow now, and I have it all figured out and I am ready to walk down the road, I am not, but my prayer has changed. Dusty (our associate pastor) told me that God knows my heart he knows that I am struggling with being obedient on this, to tell Him I am unwilling but willing for Him to make me willing.
I pray I get there…..My prayers have changed a lot in the last few days in regards to Amyloidosis and me…strength, guidance, unbelief, faith, and that I can use this platform for HIM. I have an appointment in June with a cardio specialist that treats Amyloidosis it seems like a lifetime away and yet so close…I know once that appointment happens my world will change one way or another.
There is also a webinar this Saturday for Amyloidosis that I am planning on attending, I am hoping to get lots of information. I keep hearing that so much has happened since my dads death, more treatment, more hope, and then my mind comes in and says but no cure….here I go again I just sat here for 5 minutes thinking of the no cure, looked outside its raining, and though how nice it is, and then my mind says maybe thats why God wanted you to realize all the good things in the world….if I could get my mind and my heart on the same page we might be ok, instead they are at war with fear in the middle. Part of our sermon yesterday at church was about worrying about tomorrow, and I felt like Matt (our lead pastor) was talking right to me, why worry about June, why worry about Amyloidosis and what might happen, and my mind says how can I not…work in progress I should walk around with a sign on my forehead…will cry at any given moment because God is working on me………which means I will be alright….He promises I will…so I have to be right…….