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Tonight was our study, and I love how over the past few weeks I can see God’s hand. Tonight the lesson was on healing and miracles and praying. Each week has a lesson and most times one lesson takes us 2-3 weeks to cover it all, so God knew all along that in the moment, I would need this lesson. Messages that pastors have been preaching have been just what I need to hear for where I am at that given moment, a dr appointment that was set for June and now pushed up to this week, nothing but God! Tonight we talked about why we don’t ask others to pray for us. My answer is a complicated jumbled mess, with satan right in the middle.
Why haven’t I told anyone, why am I holding this so close? I know what it is not helping me with and thats the battle of my mind, but it goes deeper then that. I want to be Faye, not Faye with Amyloidosis, not Faye who seems to break down at the thought of not seeing my boys into adulthood, just Faye. I don’t want to have to be strong, I don’t want to see pain in other peoples eyes, I can’t grieve for them, because I haven’t fully grieved for me yet. I know that satan is using this today I was so on edge with no real reason why, I just was. I feel like I have so much to do, and no time to do it in, my mind keeps playing all these things that I need to leave for my boys, snapshot pictures so they remember me if God’s will is not to let me usher them into adulthood.
I am starting to see God’s hand in Amyloidosis and I know Satan doesnt like that, so yeah he would love for me to keep this to myself. My whole life, no not my whole life, my whole family’s life has changed with one word, Amyloidosis a disease that most people have no clue even exists. Some days its much easier that I kept it to myself, I don’t have to pretend that all is ok and I can break down when I need to, and lately that has been a lot. I know God is here, I know God is in control of even this, but I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to walk down this road, and there it is the picture of my dad again and how that ended. Then I feel bad, because what if this is going to take me somewhere I could never get to without Amyloidosis and God knows that and I am begging and pleading for Him to take it away. You would think I would sleep good as much as my brain just goes and goes and goes, but sleep doesn’t come easy to me.
The house is quiet and I am alone with my thoughts and tears. God and I have spent many late nights together, and I know sleep only comes to me because of Him. I am usually praying and then I am out. How did Jesus do it, how did He go so quick from not my will but yours…there was no hesitation, no long pause waiting to see if God was going to take the cup away, it was all in the same sentence. I feel like my body is literally divided in half, the half of what I want, and how I want my life to be, and the other half that truly wants to be obedient to God and His plan, and its like a constant battle all day long. I am anxious for the appointment on Thursday, what all can he tell me via virtual appointment, he has my records can he tell from that, well I sink lower then I am now, or will I be hopeful and soar?
Does what he says change, my focus should be on God so why am I so focused on an appointment? Because my brain keeps going back to life expectancy……I talked about my blog in study tonight, just that I have one written but have not invited anyone to it yet, Michelle made a comment that maybe this blog isnt even for me but someone else needs to read it, what a slap in the face but a good one so I am going to pray tonight during my sleeplessness….our next study is Revelations i am so excited and nervous…with how much of a mess I am lately can God use me to lead that? Lately I feel like I can not even take one step in front of the other in this valley……Please God, guide me, search me, and strengthen me……..