I wish this post was full of hope and wisdom, but here I am again another sleepless night. There’s a thunderstorm, my favorite but other then that the house is quite except my thoughts are so loud! I’ve been crying out to God in the thunder that I can hear Him. Yesterday was a bad day, just couldn’t see the mountain top, and today I feel so drained already, spiritually exhausted if that makes sense. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to feel this, so how do I get out? I don’t know I’ve been struggling with that. When I started this blog it was going to be with complete and utter honesty and openness. I haven’t heard back from Dr. Judge about the scan yet, I’m swelling up again even with water pills and it just makes me nervous, and then I get mad at myself because my faith should be stronger. My head knows all the answers my head can tell you what my heart should feel…. but they aren’t communicating…. I could use some prayers… I’m going to go and listen to the thunder and be still and try and hear God… my sister says I keep blocking Him out… my prayer is He is as loud as the thunder I have no choice but to hear Him. Meet me like you did Paul on the road to Demaucus. Be loud God! I need to hear you….. I feel alone….

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