By I’m ok! In this moment I’m ok! Last night we had Bible study and it’s rough letting walls down, if I’m being honest I haven’t fully let anyone 100% in I’m scared what that would look like. but last night I had friends knock some bricks down, and I slept some! Today I am working on a project and I was in my Bible all day, no prayers, no talking, just working but reading who God is, the promises He makes. Then tonight’s bible study at church, I still get goose bumps thinking about it. Faith, where is my faith, last night I said I just want cliff notes, I don’t need to see it all just some points. I still see my dads journey, bed bound, unable to move, hallucinating, and I just want God to prepare me if that’s the road. I know with the new treatments it slows the gene down but it’s still there, all I have wanted was for God to speak to me loud. Monday was rough and I guess I wanted some fanfare from Him because I was obedient and told people about Amyloidosis, I let people in, and instead of fanfare I felt like He left me…. but it was me. I wanted to take control of the boat… not only did I not want to toss my “net” down I wanted to know why, when, for how long, and what will happen once I do. Sounds kinda bratty to me. Satans little friends didn’t want me to hear the message tonight we stream it to the tv and no matter what it wasn’t working finally we just listened… and once Matt started i knew why. It really was as though God was talking to me… giving me cliff notes, it’s going to get foggy but My Captain knows the way I just have to trust Him. What we talked about last night and the message today could only be orchestrated by Him, and I find comfort that He sees me in my pain, He hears me crying out… at this moment I’m ok… and I’m good with that. I’m slowly learning to let my wall down, I’m slowly learning that I don’t need to see the map, my journey is mine…. praying one day I’m ready to toss my net fully… but He knows… He met me right where I was…. He isn’t rushing me… but dropping breadcrumbs… right now I am ok….
