Thank you for the prayers, they have helped tremendously. Being isolated with this makes it extra heavy, I love my kids but obviously not something I can sit down and talk to them about, so I shoulder it, and then it gets to big and I crash. I have spent all day in God’s word, who He is, and promises He has made. I wish I could say I am soaring with eagle wings, but I am no longer looking down, I know that at this moment it is Jesus alone who is carrying me, because I am too tired to walk on my own. I think for me it’s facing Amyloidosis for what it is. It is relentless and cruel, and takes no mercy. I first have to accept that, before I can accept that God can step in and change the course, because what if He doesn’t what if His plan is for my journey to mirror my dads, I know good will come out because of who He is. It’s the unknown, the waiting, I have been sitting here waiting to hear about the scans that need to be done, before insurance will even think of paying for treatment, and I am swelling up so much its just uncomfortable.
Then I worry, what if it will be to late, there was no treatment available when my dad was alive, but what I heard at the time from dr’s was they found it too late. By the time they found Amybolyd it had already taken over his heart and was in his intestines. But I got an email from my dr that the scan was submitted to my insurance, so praying that for once they just approve it without a fight because I dont think I can handle a battle with Cigna right now. I want to be ok with this, I want to walk with God with this with grace and full surrender I am just not sure how to get my heart there. I see a death sentence, and I know I could get into a car wreck on the way to Walmart, but this is different, this is in your face, and that scares me, for my boys, and for Brad. I understand that treatment has come a long way since my dad, and I know that in 10 more years there may be a cure, and I know we serve a God of miracles so why is it that I seem to only focus on the other half, why can’t my head get into my heart? Why am I holding onto my “net” so tight? Last night through the thunder I prayed to God, so hard, but I finally fell asleep! ” For I Am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13 my hand is out God…oooo my hand is out….