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I feel like I am riding waves, one day I am ok, and the next I feel like I am being slammed into the ground, today was definitely a ground slamming day. I am a social person, and this being alone for 2 months is more then my soul can take, its more then my kids can take, and today I think we all just got on one another’s nerves. Its been over a week and still no scan, on top of that I gained 10 pounds in fluid because I am super swollen and so uncomfortable even with water pills, and its all in my stomach so I feel like I am going to pop. Of course then my minds just wonders…I talked to my nurse today, there was trouble getting codes for this test guess its not well known, and they are trying to get it done up here, if not then I will have to head to Charleston to get it done, at this point I would go to California to get it done, I just want it over with. I hear Michelle’s voice telling me there is something about this waiting room I could be learning, but I am so drained. I really want to stomp my feet I dont want this, the waiting room, the valley, any of it, I dont want it!
My chest has that same issue it had before when I swelled so much its not pain, its just a feeling of you know your heart is there, if that makes sense. Today Amyloidosis was more then I could shoulder, I have been working on a project, that I just couldn’t pick up today, couldn’t do any of my studies, just stared aimlessly at the wall, I am so tired, I feel so worn, so alone, and so mad at myself for getting back to this point. I dont want to be here, the other day I actually had hope that my journey could be different then my dads, today its a small laugh in my head that I ever thought that, that that will be my end, why are the thoughts in my head so loud today, and how do I get them to be quiet. Why now did my body decide that it needed to revolt again and remind me it doesnt follow the rules, why now…I was ok….right now my mind is done, my body is done, and my spirit is broken.
I keep asking Are you there God, you were so loud, what happened? What went wrong? I feel like somewhere along the way from Wednesday to today I got lost…Jesus you are enough, my head knows that, I want to FEEL that, I want to be able to toss my “net” with no hesitation, I want to lay down in my boat and trust the Captain, but my heart feels like my boat is shipwrecked, even though my head knows thats not true..its a constant battle,and I don’t know what happened. God I know you can take this away, I know with one word this can all be gone, but even if it isnt, I want to be solid, I want to follow you no matter what, I want solid pure faith and peace not this jumbled mess I have going on. As much as I want the physical healing, I know thats not God’s main focus that He is interested in the Spiritual healing, give me that, give me peace, let me find rest in You even when tests aren’t dont yet, treatments haven’t started, and my body is going crazy, help my mind and heart connect, because this battle, this battle is too much…I cant carry this anymore…its too much…its too heavy…I feel alone….my soul is crying out God are you there………..