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I want to be healthy, I don’t want to battle my body each day, I don’t want walking to be a struggle some days because the swelling is so much, I want to live to see my boys grow, I want to be the way to usher them into adulthood, I want to see them into their grown successes, I want to grow old with Brad and have that picture perfect old life, rocking chairs and a porch, I want to die peacefully, and I don’t want Amyloidosis to be a part of my walk, these are my wants, and I understand that God and I are more then likely not on the same page with these, because once again Saturday night I prayed that God speak loud and clear in Sundays sermon. He did, so much so that before He said what He wanted me to get there was sound issues, a pause, almost a pay attention Faye this is what I want you to hear.
JOY in TRIAL, JOY in SUFFERING, what is my message to the world about Jesus all depresessed and whining like a baby, or one that Jesus is enough. Why can’t Jesus be enough? How do I get my head and my heart the same page? Each day that God allows me to live is a blessing so if Amyloidosis is my walk but I am still here I should be thankful, and I can write that, but I want to fully feel that 100 % in my bones. Lucy and I had our study today, and that was my question how do I get them to connect, what I want, she said its like a mountain, its growing, but she can see each week that I am stronger then I was the last, I don’t see it. In the dangerous prayers study we are doing we are on the send me….and that doesnt have Africa…its doing what God wants…he had said that often times our prayers are wish list, but we need to go to God with a blank paper and ask God what He wants.
Scary thought right….but how I truly want to be a vessel for God, not just a head vessel but one that truly feels it….I want to have that JOY in AMYLOIDOSIS, I want people to see me and see Him, not wonder how I get through things know how I do because its that obvious. Each Sunday we do Karaoke the boys absolutely love it, to be honest I think Brad loves it more then they do. Each Sunday I have him sing Still because I want that…” when the oceans rise and thunders roar I will soar with you above the storm, Father you are King over the flood, I will be still and know you are God….” I want that peace, I want to know that no matter what happens, God is who He says He is, He is with me, I don’t need to look at Amyloidosis and whatever that journey may be….my Captain knows what it will be, I need to take a blank page and go to God and ask Him to send me…….and GO……..God I ask that you help my heart and mind connect, I ask that you and I soar above it all, I ask that you help me be still, I ask that you take me deeper then I can ever go on my own, I ask that you give me a peace I know I can only get from you, God I ask that you use me……..and help me have JOY in AMYLOIDOSIS.