I write because if I speak it I let it go, and then satan can no longer play with my mind as much, and right now he is having a field day. My scan was approved with the insurance on Monday, super fast, and yet here I sit still waiting on when it’s going to be done. The first issue is people are only working half shifts with the virus, and don’t get me wrong I understand the seriousness of the virus. But the virus MAY kill me IF I catch it, AMYLOIDOSIS WILL kill me, unless God Himself provides a miracle and I am not ruling that out, but without the scan no treatment can start, and as I am sitting here now I can feel my heart and I am more swollen today then I have been. So what does satan do but keep playing in my head, with its to late, the treatment wont work because its too late, like your dad, they found the Amyloidosis too late, even though I know there wasn’t treatment available then, I can still hear the dr’s voice telling me that they found Amyloidosis it was already in the heart and it was too late.
its making me so mad, I am supposed to just sit here, knowing my body is just producing this protein that is going rogue, and be like yeah call me Friday with maybe a time to schedule the scan, and then lets wait another few weeks to get someone to read it, its just so frustrating from my end. I have been sitting at my table for the last 20 minutes crying out to God literally to just give me peace, help me in this waiting room that doesnt seem to have an end right now, and for me to stop feeling my heart. The person I talked to mentioned me going to Charleston to see if they can get it done faster, but its a 4 hour test and a 3.5 hour drive and I have 2 kids, and a husband that has to run a store because they are short and can’t hire anyone.
God has this, God has this, God has this, if I keep repeating this it has to sink in right, there is nothing that happens that is not under His control so why, why does He have me here, in this waiting period, when my body is revolting at a heightened level……..when can I be ok one minute, one day, and the next just get so low that I can barely lift my head? Because right now in this moment, I just can’t…..I am drowning, I am scared, I am mad, I feel alone, I can’t breath, I just need a minute to catch my breath, I just need things to move forward. I feel like ok I got to a place Amyloidosis is there treatment will be what it will be, but to be doing nothing, flashes of my dad fill my head, death fills my head, and I just can’t…usually at the end of writing I am at a better place, more focused, have a plan, but tears are still coming, which I don’t know how I have any left. Prayers are appreciated….for a calming heart……..