Scan update: the test can’t be done here, so I have to go to Charleston, which just brings a bunch of other issues, the boys, the drive, and Brad can’t take days off during the week they are short staffed and not hiring right now. But I am thankful for Dr. Judge that answers emails super quick and is fast on getting things done, said he was going to have someone reach out to schedule and if I don’t hear anything by Tuesday to let him know. Onward we go I guess….
Wednesday was rough, I sat here and cried for hours, in sadness, in frustration, and in exhaustion. Frustration not only in the waiting for the scan, and the lack of staffing, but that whole morning I was studying I was in my Bible spending time with God. I was frustrated with me, I should be stronger then that, I got so low so quick, and it frustrates me. But I am reminded as always of God’s presence. Right after I finished writing, Dusty the Pastor at my church did a video on faith and Jesus, and that was a smack in the face, shouldn’t that be enough. Shouldn’t my Salvation be enough, so in my normal Faye fashion I emailed him for some magical answer on how do I get that, as if I was doing something wrong.
Then my first Pastor did a study on Jesus and how important is He in your life, and then Matt the Pastor at my church did a study on why do we serve Jesus. It was everything I needed to hear. Dusty reminded me that I don’t need to ask for peace that I already have it, I just need to take it and Jesus for it. It made me really sit and think, what I have it…so he gave me a verse and then I started really digging in my Bible: ” The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.”-Psalm 29:11 My face dropped its there I just have to take it, I can say yesterday I was in a better place, not fully throwing my “net” but I wasn’t a shamble on the floor, and that could only come from God.
I had to realize that Jesus is important in my life, my focus has to be in Him, and why do I serve Him, and to take the peace that He has given me. I wish I could say that its all roses now, I left a message with the scheduler again to see where we are, and if I dont have a date today I am already praying that God guard my mind. Isolation is hard, I am a people person, I am social, and while I embraced it in the begining, it is truly wearing on me, add an Amyloidosis diagnosis on it and some moments its more then I can bear. My focus has changed I know with the treatments it can slow down the gene, I know we never know when we will die, I could get into a car accident on the way to wal-mart, but when you get a diagnosis of a progressive fatal disease it has to change you, at least it did me. I know what I want, I have expressed it over and over, but what can I control right now in this moment, my legacy for my boys.
Because someday I will be gone, and what do I want them to know, where do I want them to turn to when life gets hard. I have journaling Bibles and my notes are very specific its helping me, and I hope one day it helps them too. Today in this moment, I have taken my peace, I have looked to Jesus, in this moment, I am ok, but my mind is trying had to pull me into what if she doesn’t call, what if they can’t get a date for the scan set today….Psalm 29:11….Praying my head and heart one day meet……thank you God for peace….thank you for the messages you sent me, thank you for the friends you send my way with texts, calls, and just regular conversations….thank you for never leaving me even when I look away……