The past few days have been rough, with my body just swelling to levels of complete and utter discomfort, feelings of being alone, and also withdrawing because it takes too much energy to be the Faye people know. This time in a week I will be in Charleston having the scan, I am unsure what all it consists of, what does the waiting look like, they will call the day before with all the instructions and I can ask my questions then, but I am a person who doesn’t like unknown things. I know that is what God is working on me with, and I am trying to just trust Him in all circumstances. My water pill got increased and I don’t see me leaving the house anytime soon, as a matter of fact I feel like I should just plant a desk in the bathroom my gosh! We have not told the boys yet, but Bradley is always in tune to me, and I know he knows that something is off.
Last night we did a little karaoke, then the boys went to bed and Brad just kept signing and praising the Lord till almost midnight, my soul needed it, and I think his did too. His trust in God in all this is different, but at the same time he is a man, and yesterday he saw me broken, and he couldn’t fix that, but what a difference he knew who could! I am so thankful for this Revelation study, God brought it at the right time, I have no choice but to get in my Bible. The book we picked has no questions, there is no study guide, so if there’s a lesson, questions, I have to do it, and God knew that, it keeps me going, it keeps my mind from going to low. I may have been broken yesterday but was still being carried and there is comfort in that. I don’t know how this is going to end, what this Amyloidosis journey will look like, and that scares me, I am one that needs to know, and walking blindly into something is scary for me, but thats where the faith comes in, real faith, deep rooted faith. Its comforting to know that God knew this was coming, and that He already set things up just for this. Months ago, He moved us from the church we were at, to a new one and there was a lot of hurt there and I didn’t understand. It shouldn’t be when you leave a building the people leave you too, but humans get involved and things happen.
We were so involved and active for Him, I couldn’t understand why He would allow all that hurt to happen, but I can see why now. He needed me here in this place. I have grown more in His word in the past 9 months then I have in 2 years, so has my husband, God saw Amyloidosis coming and knew that we needed to be rooted in Him to make it. Plus I can look back see the hurt and see I made it through, its yet another lesson in trusting Him, which I have such a hard time doing. Trusting Him as in I would like to see how things are going to go, I know God means good for me because of who He is, but its the unknown that scares me. But this is just s small blip, this isn’t my home, this won’t last forever…Amyloidosis may be my cross, and I need to just learn to toss my “net” and walk on water to the One who can carry me over the finish line. I am forever thankful for the people He has placed in my life, I know I am one of the most hardheaded friends to have, I dont reach out for help, I don’t like accepting help, or even acknowledging I need it, but I am trying on that front. But God has placed people who just keep knocking even when I don’t answer and I am forever thanful for that. I tell you of today I should be down 50 pounds from this water pill! Praying it helps the discomfort. “May you get the glory from this…….”