It seems as the closer we get to the scan day the more my body wants to revolt to remind me that it’s still there, its still not working the way it’s supposed to. I just got off the phone with MUSC on my portion of the scan, and I guess they just think people have that kind of money just sitting around. I hung up and just cried, cried because its always me, its always my medical needs that takes, and then I feel guilty, I know Brad would never say anything, but my mind wants to go there.
I feel like I am dragging my family down, and this is just the start, every 3 week infusions, trips to Charleston, possibly Boston at some point (thats where the head Amyloidosis center is), and then my mind wonders to the end and what that looks like. I think in this moment I am just numb for myself but for my boys and Brad my heart hurts, I know what it was like watching my dad, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I pray each day for God’s healing, and at the same time, I pray that God use it, His will in the end. I am just exhausted, overwhelmed with emotions from all different angles. I am thankful for people that God has placed in my life, lately I have just put myself in a shell, but I have people who won’t let me stay there and I am forever thankful for them. Tomorrow is another day, tonight Brad comes home, I will tell him, he will tell me it will all work out not to worry because thats Brad. So thankful for him…..4 more days….