The past three days have been rough. It started Sunday morning with the fluttering of my heart, and just overly tired. When our church building opened back up our pastor Matt said that we should have 10 rocks on our porch as a reminder of the 10 weeks when we were not allowed to gather together. It was super important for me to do that, I was on Brad about getting these rocks, and I know why. My body was hurting Sunday and the thought of going to church and smiling and being ok when my body was breaking was a lot but I saw those rocks and thought we are going. And in God’s usual fashion He met me right there, they praise band sang waymaker and in that moment every word just pushed into my soul. I can’t see what God’s doing now in this Amyloidosis walk but I know He is working.
My hands are becoming more numb, and my legs are numb with shooting pains to remind me they are there. Numb is maybe the wrong word, because if numb I wouldnt feel the pain, its like that half asleep half awake feeling, and these past 3 days have been rough, I can’t stay asleep. I have a virtual appointment Monday with the neurologist from MUSC Dr. Ruzhansky, and hoping for some answers and a direction to go. I know God is here, I know He is in the middle of it, and I am trying to get back on the page of being use by Him through this, but these past few days have just drained me. I feel like I have nothing left, and I hate that feeling, I feel defeated. So we have Dr. Ruzhansky on the 22nd and then Dr. Judge on the 30th, because why not, why not just keep throwing out copay after copay for Amyloidosis.
I know Brad doesnt think that, but I wish my heart and mind would get on the same page where that is concerned, because lately I feel like a burden already and ths is just the begining. O God, meet me here, I cant make it to our spot to meet today, I am tired, God I am drained and my mind is just wondering to places it doesnt need to….God I am crying out to you, to just meet me here, help my mind from wondering what this road will look like, feeling so out of control, and not to worry about the battles of the body to come. I know you will God, I know you will…thank you! Onward we go…head up