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Today was rough all the way around, between the swelling, and the numbness and pain, and dropping things more then I want to, and the mind games that are going on in my head. I was short with my kids, with Brad, and I just crawled into my little cave and wanted to shut the world out. I wanted to hit pause for a moment so I can catch up, get my breath back. In looking back on my dad’s facebook page and to see him writing the same things I am dealing with now, and to know he was at first misdiagnosed is just too much for my mind today. Today I am tired, today I am struggling, today I want to meet Jesus at our place and just lay there, because today I have no words to offer, I can’t get anything out to pray, tears are the only thing that flows. Then I get mad at myself for drawing into the cave, but its such a fine line.
Who wants to be the friend that drags others down, who wants to be the one that complains, who needs people, no today I didnt want to let anyone in and bottling it up just exploded on everyone. Even this as I am reading it back is a jumbled mess, but its me, its real, its raw. Amyloidosis is not the walk I wanted, but God I want to be in our will and if this is where you have me, I am going to need your help to get there because today its as if I lost that perfect peace I had, the one my mind kept telling me was crazy.
Today I felt like I had to leave so many things for my boys for when I am not here, Today Amyloidosis was too hard for me to carry alone, and because I am hardheaded I tried to do it anyway. Tomorrow is Brad and I anniversary I have been with him half my life, and I look at him and wonder where we will be next year, will I be here, will I take the sane path as my dad adn go downhill fast. I know we have treatments to slow things down, but I am also young to have this so my body already has crossed the line of normal. Prayers are much appreciated, tomorrow is another day tonight I am going to try and lay this down at the feet of the One who can carry it, tonight I pray for a moment of peace, a moment to catch my breath, tonight no words flow from me to Jesus just my heart……..