I don’t want to be angry but I am. I don’t want to worry but I am. I don’t want to be this cloud of darkness, but lately I am. I don’t want to cry in the middle of the night but I am. I don’t want to drag people into this valley with me but I am. I don’t want to be scared but I am, I am terrified of this journey because of yesterday. I see my dads journey becoming mine. Yesterday Shelly and I went to get pedicures, sounds relaxing right? The last time I had one was when the salons first opened up with the Covid restrictions. The lack of feeling was just too much to take, and it just bubbled over. I could barely feel anything, the man said the water was cold he just poured on my toes, I laughed but didn’t feel it. How in that short of time did I lose so much feeling? I dropped the polish because my hands went numb and I thought I had handed it to him because I no longer felt it in my hands. Life seems so out of control for me right now, I have no say in what is happening to my body.
I am still waiting on approval from insurance for the medicine, they can take 7 days and it appears they are going to take all 7 days, absolutely no control there. And it makes me angry how can an insurance company say if I get a medicine that will help me live longer? Why does God have me in this waiting period? My heart is breaking and the emotions become too much to deal with so then anger takes over and that’s just worse. Yesterday I said that if this is how life is going to be take me to heaven I can’t deal with it. How did I fall so far from Sunday schools lesson? The suffering Jesus has was nothing compared to this, so why am I so weak to quit? Why am I in this range of no good emotions, where is my joy? Why am I scared?
Because I am, I am terrified….as I am typing this my legs are like cement blocks of nothingness, and I haven’t even started my day. I wish I could wrap this post up in a nice bow, that I had some ah ha moment and am looking up, but I can’t even walk this valley right now. I have sat down. Tuesday I got a text from an old friend I haven’t spoke to in almost a year just that I was laid heavy on their heart. I know God was using that to reach me, to let me know He hears me, so why isnt that enough? Today I don’t want to walk the Amyloidosis road, today I want to not think, today I don’t want to deal with insurance or approvals, today I don’t want to think the unthinkable, the thoughts in my head about this journey that are so dark I don’t let out to anyone, but today all these will happen. I pray that God gives me a pause, breathing room because I am drowning. The loss of sensation in 3 months is too much for me to bare, it’s too much when talking about a progressive disease, it’s drowning my mind. I wish I was a better light today, I wish I was looking up at that mountain that’s waiting for me, but I can’t…today I just want to be.