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Waiting rooms, God has me in a waiting room, and I just don’t do well in them.
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”–Isaiah 40:31
Sounds great right, so why do I struggle when God has me waiting, when in His own words tells me the great things that will come out of here. TRUST, I can say that I trust God, I trust His plan, I fully surrender to be used by Him, but do I? Because I do as long as it’s on my own terms, as long as I am not waiting too long.
Amyloidosis is refining me, molding me into who God wants me to be, and we were sailing along, and God saw that I didn’t fully trust Him, His plan on where this was going, so he put me in the place I hate the most to show me, that I think I trust Him, but if we scale back all the layers I am still holding on to control with an iron fist grip! I want to trust Him, my mind goes to without medicine right now the gene is just running rampant in my body thats what Satan throws up at me, and then God comes through and says He knows its part of the plan.
The waiting room is like a ping pong game in my mind, it’s almost as if Satan serves and then God serves back, but the one that gets quiet the most is God because Satan is so loud and preys on my fears, my need to control things, that it’s not God that has gotten quiet but its me who can’t hear Him.
I am a private person, and it takes a lot for me to share. It’s funny 2 people can hear the same sermon and get 2 different things out of it. What I heard recently is that my walk is too hard to share, its not anyone’s burden but mine, keep it all in. I went back and forth with God because I was sharing to show His glory, His power, and what He can do in it all, but maybe its too much, it can weigh people down too much.
I realize in this waiting room, that sometimes my comments about Amyloidosis take others back because I just spit them out, because I can’t feel them, I have just wanted to walk through this numb because if I felt things I don’t know how to get back. Which is another reason God has me here, I can’t get back on my own, but with Him I can. Stop trying to do it alone I hear Him saying..(probably shaking his head too lol).
I heard back from the trial last night they didn’t get my medical records so will be calling today so they can get them through mychart and have them right away. I still haven’t heard from Whitney and whats going on with the insurance which probably isn’t a good sign. Because at the end of the day why does an insurance company get to decide if my life is worth it or not? See how quick my mind just goes to the left, and then I get so angry, and it becomes so much that it just spills out. I have gained 30 pounds in a week I am just holding so much fluid, and it is very frustrating.
But God knows, He sees it all, and He has me here waiting so I can fully trust Him, not just on the surface, to fully understand that if God wanted to He Himself could remove this mutant gene, if He Himself wanted the medicine now, it wouldnt matter what the insurance company says.
The question is what am I doing in the waiting room? My friend, I am ashamed to admit not praising Him like I should, not being a light for Him, more like a toddler sulking in the corner letting Satan fill my head with lies and fear. What I should be getting ready to do is fly like an eagle, run and not be weary, walk and not faint….
I pray for all those in God’s waiting room, that we all learn what lesson He is trying to teach. I pray that as we look to Him, Satan gets quieter and quieter…I hope we all see that these is beauty here, and pull back the surface layers and fully trust….