I recently heard this song, called “If you want me to”-by Ginny Owens, and it has touched my soul so much. It has almost become my battle cry in the middle of the night. I still haven’t heard back from the trial or what my insurance has decided to do. The “flesh part of Faye” gets so angry that they even have an option to decided. Without this medicine the disease will progress rapidly and I will die, what is there to think about? But then I need to remember that God is in control. He isn’t sitting up in heaven on the edge of His seat to see the outcome from Cigna. I may be, but He is not. And apparently this is nothing new for people with a rare disease, because nothing is simple, I have come to find out I like simple after all.

The begining of the song goes:
The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear…..and I dont know the reason why You brought me here….but just because You love me the way that you do….I’m going to walk through the valley if You want me to…

It made me think am I really going to walk though the valley that God has allowed to happen, or am I going to pout, stomp my feet, and just sit here. My friends have started a go fund me page, and if I am being honest it still makes me feel uneasy. My boys know I am sick, but they have no idea the full details of it, and they don’t know this is the same disease that took my dad. We tried to hide the sickness all together because they have been though enough already but you cant hide the stumbling the dropping of things or how my stomach revolts at any given time. Last night the boys got in trouble, both of them, and it was Brad who caught them. I had a front row seat of Brad giving a full on Bible lesson to the boys on what they did and how it should of went down. That was one of my concerns when I am gone, my boys and being poured into. I know Brad is saved, I know Brad loves Jesus with all his heart, but Brad has never really did the lesson with the boys, it has been me, and I prayed that he would, and God took that burden off my heart. While I am waiting on treatment God is easing my heart on worries I had when I change locations. So off topic, but the Go fund me make Amyloidosis so real, it puts me out there to thousands of people. I hear God saying, well duh thousands of people praying for a miracle. Sometime I think God urges me to write because thats when I can listen, in the middle of sentences I get an answer, I get a direction. Like yes I am in this waiting room and all who know me know this is not my room of choice, but while I am here, He is answering prayers. Prayers of my children and Brad, money worries, I was so worried I would bankrupt our family with all these additional cost, and my friends got together knowing I was private and stubborn but didnt let that stop them, He is planting flowers while I wait. Satan is putting in weeds and keeps throwing up that the gene is just flowing in my body…..and my battle cry should be I will walk this valley if you want me to…….who knows where My God will take me, what He will bring out of it!

I covet prayers….I pray for my fourth day to come….I pray for a miracle…I pray that this waiting room ends soon….I pray for my boys who need their mama…I pray for Brad who needs his wife…I pray for time….I cry out for a miracle…..but most of all, I hope when people see me, see this walk, they dont feel sorry, they dont say sorry, but see Jesus and how good He is, in the middle of Amyloidosis He is so so good and I hope we can all rejoice and celebrate that!

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