Tuesday night we started a new study, called It’s not supposed to be this way, and boy can I relate. I was worried about this study, because it’s done, it’s complete so what can I add. Well once God told me to get out of the way and let HIM add, it was on!!!
Disappointment, the definition is my failed expectation of something, so in life how can I ever be disappointed with God? I had a dream of how my life should be right now, Amyloidosis wasn’t a part of it, but thats my expectation not God’s. So in all reality I set myself up for disappointment when I created these expectations of how life should be.
This past week has been rough, the pain and numbness in my legs and hands has been hard to take, the limits I feel are frustrating at best and I could stay there, and for a few days I did. It didn’t change it, my legs hurt just like they did before, and I stumbled, and I dropped things. What I did while I wallowed in this disappointment, was stop showing God, to Brad, to my boys, to my friends, to anyone else. That’s what disappointment does, it takes our eyes off of God and puts it on the situation and how WE thought it should be.
I am different today then I was last week, so what changed? Because the pain, and the numbness are still very much there, but my focus has changed. I can look at what I am missing, or what my limits are, or I can look at how God has been with me each step of the way plus some. 11 years ago He got the diagnosis for my dad, there was no treatment for my dad, but that diagnosis has helped me today, get tested, get the results, and start treatment. The gene has been in my body since I was born, today there is a lot of treatment available, my friends started a GoFund me account and it took care of my first round of bills that were just hanging out adding up. Opportunity has been presented to us to share our story and in that we can share God. But best of all my boys are watching and learning that you can rejoice in disappointments, you can see God’s love in disappointment.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid of the progression of Amyloidosis and what that looks like, but thats the human part of me and wants to control it all. I am praying that as I grow in God and lean on Him more and more that that will too fade. I know that Amyloidosis has taught me so much, life isn’t the way We thought it should be, but WE didn’t create it, so how can WE put an expectation on it. I also cherish moments more so then before, this morning it was nice and cool outside, and I loved it! Friendships mean more, telling my boys about the grace and mercy of God means more, leaving notes in my Bible for Brad and them. And this blog….not all days are as easy to switch the focus on what I expect to submit to God’s will, but there was a song we sung in church on Sunday called There is a king. The part that has me shouting and has become my anthem so to speak: “It won’t be long, we will behold Him, and every tear He’ll wipe away, WE’LL BE AT HOME, THE WAR WILL BE OVER, SOON WE WILL MEET OUT SAVIOR FACE TO FACE!”
YES!!! Yes!!!! This is just temporary, because soon I will be home, my legs, arms, hands, stomach, and heart will be perfect, Amyloidosis won’t exist.
So what are you doing with your disappointments? Looking down or looking up? Because friends there is so much freedom when we look up!!!!