Tuesday was a day of Dr’s and lots of ebbs and flows. I saw my family Dr so I could get lab work, blood pressure and a physical check in for my appointment today which is virtual with Dr. Judge. Both are amazing and really work together to make it work. I haven’t seen her since February and have lost 40 pounds since then! My blood pressure was perfect, and I am not longer on an insulin pump. My veins acted like they never gave blood and it took 2 sticks to get some, but I left feeling really good. Next was the eye Dr because of my right blurry vision. I was ready to hear that it was nothing, and it would just go away. But I didn’t.
The amyloid makes the nerves sticky and they don’t work like they should which is why I lose feeling and stumble, drop things, or fall. It’s no different in my eyes, and the pressure is making tiny aneurysms right near my lens in my right eye. I have them in both eyes, 2 in my left and several in my right. I will be going to see a retina specialist and have to have surgery to drain them. This is not what I wanted to hear, and in those moments I felt so alone. How could God allow all of this to happen, and so quick, what am I doing wrong that He has left me? I cried most of the way home, and had to compose to pick up the boys. Tuesday night a good family friend, who have become family got licensed to be a pastor, and I went. I just knew that in the message God would speak to me about all what was going on, and why my body was revolting so hard.
If I am being completely honest I felt cheated, my faith has been strong, I have trusted that He has had this, I have been open about Amyloidosis and it was no longer breaking me, but clearly I had tricked myself. There was no great message for me to hear that night, the message was good, but nothing to answer my questions. I left in tears, I left so mad, at what, who, I have no idea I was just mad, and the tears couldn’t stop. I didn’t tell many about my appointment because I wasn’t able to wrap it in a nice bow and make it look pretty it was too raw for me, and I didn’t want to deal with it. But God always has different plans then me, and His are always better then mine. I had a friend reach out and ask about the appointment, pray a beautiful prayer for me, a friend and I are reading a chapter of the Bible a day together and discuss it going on the second week because 2 weeks ago God knew I would be here, and need it.
Last night during our Wednesday lesson at church Pastor Dusty talked about when you feel alone, take it as an opportunity for you and God to fellowship. It was as though God was telling me, He had me feel that for a reason, to keep going deeper, to point out the cracks I have in my own faith foundation. I say I trust God in all of this Amyloidosis but do I trust Him for what I know, or will I trust Him for upcoming things too. I can say I trust Him when my legs and hands fail but what about my eyes, why is that off the scope of trust. I can measure how the disease is going somewhat on how my legs/hands are, I know my heart is compromised already and I have no way of knowing what is going on there till we do another scan. What if the scan shows that the heart has progressed will I trust Him then, or will I trust Him only if it is stable. I know when I was driving and crying that Jesus was crying with me, I know He felt my pain, and I know He hurts when I hurt, I also know He has a plan much greater and bigger then I can see, and I need to focus on that. Somehow this is part of His plan, and when I don’t trust Him in ALL of it, I am saying there are parts of Amyloidosis that are too big for Him. I am trying, Him and I spent a lot of time together last night and this morning, I am asking Him to help me let go of what I think, of how I think this should go.
I am reminded of Mary and Martha when Lazarus died, they sent a message to Jesus that Lazarus was sick, they didn’t tell Him what to do about it, or give Him notes, just a fact, and full confidence that Jesus would handle it. That’s my prayer today, Jesus I need you, He knows how, when, and why.
Onward we go….Dr. Judge at 1 today and could use prayers for that visit, and the end of the month the retina specialist. God’s got this and me!