Some days this walk is heavy, so heavy thats its too hard to put down, and I feel like I am drowning. This has been me for the past 3 days, and I feel like I am trapped. I keep questioning myself on how I got here, how did I fall so far from where I was? Last week I was working out and battling my body and feeling like I had some control and maybe thats where the crack is, because at the end of the day the control isn’t mine, but surrender is. I haven’t worked out this week, I will tonight and I know it will be a battle.
My body feels like concrete, every move I make takes such effort and it’s draining me, and a constant reminder that my body is revolting against me. My body is fighting a battle that can’t be seen. I have avoided people, because the usually question is “how are you doing” and some days thats such a hard question. Some days I don’t even know how I am doing it changes minute by minute, and what if I was truthful with how I was its so heavy for me I can’t put that one someone else.
And at the end of the day I want to be a light for Jesus, this isn’t my walk alone, it should point to Him. The strength people see in me, isn’t mine it is His. My heart knows that God is here, that I am not alone, but my body feels abandoned, and in this moment I feel trapped. Dr. Judge has been in contact with me about Dr Polydefkis at John Hopkins, and what they have come up with is, Dr. Polydefkis is getting a license to practice in South Carolina so he can see me but until that happens, we will be going to Charleston to get the biopsy done, and sent to Dr. Polydefkis. I know medical terms need to be used and I am aware of what this journey looks like I watched it with my dad. I read about it daily from others fighting it in a group I am in, but some days those terms are heavy and break me. The emails sent back and forth used words like, fatal, unfavorable gene, needs more aggressive treatment to prolong life, and it was jus too heavy for me, and I know I need to give it to God and fully surrender but my body is fighting so hard. Working out has been so great for me, and its almost like for that hour that I thought I had control gave me some false sense of security. I got off track on WHO is giving me that hour to do it, and it is most definitely not me.
Some people asked me why I write a blog, I really started it just me, and then added our Tuesday night study, and its grown since then. But writing has always been my thing since I was in middle school, I remember my language arts teacher telling me I was going to be an author some day. But writing clears my head, and brings me back to where I need to be. This small entry has taken over 2 hours to write and lots of tears and pleading to God to help me. My body hasn’t changed as a matter of fact I think it hurts more now then when I started, but my mind is clearer, my mind is focused on WHO is ahead not what is ahead. The road will be hard, the road will be long, but I dont have to worry about walking it alone…today its heavy, but I know my strength doesnt have to come from me, but from HIM, and all I need to do is point my life in that direction. I pray that God helps my heart fully surrender to Him with this and all things.
I pray for my family, I pray for my friends, who are walking with this journey with me. I am reminded of 1 Peter 5:10 “ And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” This is just a little while, till I am RESTORED, STRONG, and STEADFAST. Fully surrender Faye……