I have tried to write since yesterday and all that would come were tears. I am so thankful for a God who hears tears. I have cried more in these past two days, then I have in a long time. I don’t want to be here, I don’t know what I am to learn from being here. I could try and put all my feelings in this nice little box and make it look pretty, but thats not what I can do today, so today its a jumble mess of what I am feeling, of what life is like for me right now. Yesterday during church Pastor Matt was talking about what are we investing our lives in, what are we doing that at the end God can sift through all our stuff and get to what we did for Him. He started to talk about how much life we have left, and I lost it. In that moment, the thought of not seeing my boys grow, was too much.
The thought of having 20 more years isn’t realistic. Before anyone says it, I know God can do miracles, I know God can take this from me, I know God can have me outlive everyone if He wanted to, or if it was in His plan. I also know medically my years are numbered, I also know that if God allows my years to be numbered it doesnt change who He is, the goodness of who He is. It just means His plans don’t match mine. We had Vision Sunday last night at church where they went over the vision of the church for the year 2021, and the whole time, I wondered if I would be here to see it. My legs were not my friend last night, and leaving church I had to hold on to Brad so I wouldn’t fall. To the world it looks like a super loving couple, but to me it’s a sign that the disease is still progressing. I had a period where I could eat and be ok, but these past two weeks, it doesnt matter what I eat, Amyloidosis is attacking my stomach.
I go to MUSC on Friday for a biopsy to be sent to John Hopkins. My last blog I asked God to help me fully surrender, and yesterday it was all about death for me, and leaving before I would be ready. Today I am mad, today I am in tears of what this disease is doing to my body, and taking from me. But at the end of the day God is still good, and I will be still be faithful and praise Him. Today my dads journey is so clear to me, and I am making it by God alone. I am trying to get back to that place where I know my journey isn’t that same, and that God is bigger then Amyloidosis ever could be. Today I pray that my boys look at me and see a mama who love Jesus with all her heart, and not that they had to walk close or stand by to be my safety in case I fell. Today is hard….but God is good, and ever so faithful that He meets me right where I am a big mess of tears, and hears each one as they fall…..