For the past few days I have sat down to write, to delete it, and for the past hour the same. I am struggling, my body is revolting against me, and that I can take, but the rest, the emotional and mental is hard to handle. I have always wanted my journey to point to God, and while I know He is here, while I know I am not alone, I feel like I am. I feel like life is just spinning out of control, and I cant do anything but sit by and watch it. I am tired, but sleep won’t come I am struggling to breath because I am holding so much fluid. So much that I literally leaked fluid from my stomach last night. I wish this was a post that I could wrap in a nice bow, on how I worked through all my feelings and am in a better spot, but I can’t. This is heavy, and I can handle the physical but it’s somehow seeped into mentally and emotionally and thats just a dark place to be. I dont want to be here, but its as though I am trapped and cant find my way out.

We are still waiting to hear about the biopsy, but realization I came to is God is not up there waiting to see what it says. I have put so much into getting on this better medicine to give me more time, but the medicine doesn’t decide how much time I get God does. I can get on the better medicine and live a few more years, or I can get on it and live a few more months, because in the end its God who is control. That helped me stop stalking mychart every 5 minutes looking for the test results, to see if that will help me get the better medicine.

Prayers are much appreciated, I need to get out of this place I am in. I need sleep, I need relief, not physically (although would be nice), but my mind…..

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