When I started my blog it was just to myself, because somewhere in my head I thought that if I stepped out on faith that this would all come back a misdiagnosis. Like God was testing my faith. Turns out He is not, and this is real, and is happening. Slowly I started to invite people, and now a whole bunch of people read it known and unknown personally. I take the blog serious, I always want my walk to point to God, I always want my faith to be bigger then my fear, but I also want to be honest. I dont want to only show how I got from point A to point C and leave out that messy B point. So for the past few days I struggled to write because I was in the messy B point. Yesterday I finally sat down and just let it out, it was messy but it was real, and today, today mentally I feel ok, I dont feel like I am in a dark cave by myself anymore and thats a start. I had so many people reach out and pray for me, how could I stay there?
I didn’t tell Dr. Judge about the recent fluid and stomach leaking, until someone reached out and said that I should. I feel like I am bothering him, and he has done so much for me. Plus I never know what’s par for the disease, and what can be done. I am waiting to hear back from him on how we can get rid of some of this fluid. It makes it hard because he is 3 hours away, and doesnt have privileges here, and its not a quick drive either. It’s a balance, but we are trying to make it work.
I have had many people reach out to help, know that I am one of the most hard headed people you will ever meet. I was told I am robbing them from blessings by refusing, and trust me that is not my intent, I am just stubborn, lol!
I do appreciate the prayers, because that is what got me here today, today I am here. Today I am not on the couch in tears all day, today I am see some colors. Today I dont feel so alone.
I think the hardest walk in this journey is letting people in, sure I can blog about it, but talking about it is hard. It’s heavy and I hate putting my heavy on others. I hate the quick look I get from Brad when its his first reaction and then he hides it to protect me. I am trying to get better.
Today I can breath a bit better, sleep is still hard to come by, and I am still leaking a bit but not like yesterday, yesterday I took about 9 showers, and felt like I had a hose attached to me.
While we wait on Dr. Judge, and the results of the biopsy today the boys had I will make memories! Watch Christmas movies, do crafts, and wait for the parade to go by our house tonight. Today we rest in the God that is ever faithful, today we praise Him for who He is, and all the people He has placed in our lives.
When I say thank you for the prayers, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.