Sunday morning I was down 38 pounds from this new diuretic. I didnt take it Sunday morning was going to after church and lunch so I could do those things and I forgot to take it. In the middle of our lifegroup Sunday night I could feel my chest tighting up, by late evening I was struggling to breath and I remembered I didnt take it, 15 pounds piled back on. It was a bit scary because my whole body was going against me, my stomach, legs, and now my heart. I almost asked Brad to take me to the ER but we prayed, and some sleep came. This morning I took it and lost 18 pounds today. I am excited to see Dr. Judge on Thursday because is this the only way, be tied to the house, or be able to go out but struggle to breath. There has to be a happy medium. I am writing this after I had my little fit last night that this walk was too hard, that this was too much for me, that God can take me home because I just cant do this. Today I am in a better space, but writing after that moment. People tell me they are inspired by me, or how strong I am but its not me. It is God in me, because without Him, I couldn’t make it, this journey is to hard, it is too heavy, but it is Him that carries me, carries Brad and the boys. Tonight was work out night and it was a killer work out and I pushed myself harder then I thought I could. I see how fast things are moving, and I want to help strengthen my legs as much as I can, I want this weight off, I do not want to leave this earth overweight and for that 45 minutes I was quieter then normal, but it was a battle that I was determined to win.

As I sit here, boys are in bed, Brad is working out its me, sitting here, with Christmas music playing, and the tree lights and my mind wonders to will this be my last. These are the heavy thoughts that dont get talked about, I have said from the beginning healing on earth I dont see happening and I dont know what it is, but there is a peace there with it, most days. Someone asked me how I do it, I look for nuggets sent from God as a reminder He is here walking this with me. So when you see me, dont see my strength because mine is laying in the bed crying to Brad that this was too hard, see His, because its Him that helped me tonight, its Him that got me out of that space last night. I can breath better today, but my legs and stomach are still in full revolt. Tomorrow blood work, and resting till study tomorrow night, then Wednesday we are going to Billy Graham Library and we can not wait to make memories! I may be in the valley, but I am so thankful for the flowers God has planted along the way…..

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