This is one of my favorite songs, So Will I (100 Billion x) and tonight while listening to it on the way home this verse stuck out to me. These past few days my body has been fighting me on almost every level, and lately has really attacked my sleep. Christmas was great, Brad was off, we went no where, just stayed home and played all day. I loved every minute of it, but Amyloidosis doesn’t take a break, and in the middle of opening gifts I got so tired, physically exhausted. Eating has become challenging not only because my stomach can revolt at any given meal, but because of early satiety. I take one bite and feel like I ate a full meal, but am still hungry. It is very frustrating. I am up now because when I lay down it feels like I am drowning, my heart keeps “fluttering” to let me know its there and I currently want to cut my legs off they hurt so bad. So instead of tossing and turning and battling my brain, here I am. Listening to praise music and talking to God.
I say all this because I am so focused on the path that I want, the silencer medicine, the trial, all this to try and slow Amyloidosis down, but am I really praying for the path that God wants to be done? Do I really believe this verse? I want to say yes, but I think I only do when it fits in the parameter of what I think. But this is what I want….if the wind goes where YOU send so will I…no matter what that looks like.
I know I have prayer warriors praying for me and for healing, but I ask that you pray for this, that I am open and ready to go where God sends me on this journey, that He uses me on this walk to show His Glory. Tonight is bad, but God knew it would be and like I have said all along, He has planted beautiful flowers in the valley. My sister who lives in PA, comes down every summer, I have been down south for going on 21 years and thats how it has always been done, except this year. She came yesterday for a week, God knew that I needed that, God knew this deep valley was coming and He planted this flower back in October for her to book the trip.
There are people who have come up to me and say how strong I am, but I want them to see thats not true. I have spent the last hour laying in bed in tears, in pain and frustration and telling God I cant do this, and I just want to sleep and I was reminded again of this song. It is not me, because I would of quit from the start, it is all Him, His strength that helps me put one leg in from of another. While my body was not working with me on Christmas it was one of the best ones we had, from the people in our lives to just being able to spend time together and laugh and make memories. I don’t know why God has me here, I don’t know why my body has decided to revolt against me, but this is where we are, and I could sit here and cry all night and what would that accomplish or I could praise God for who He is, for what He has done for me, for setting up beautiful flowers in my deepest parts of my valley, and for never once leaving me to face this alone.
My legs are still hurting, sleep is still not calling, and my heart is still “fluttering” but my mind, my mind is focused on Him, I am no longer in a ball crying out that I can’t do this. My sister is here for 6 days and I plan to enjoy each and every minute of that time regardless of what my body wants to do. Making memories and I know God will carry me to each one. And when I want to curl in that ball and give up I will remember….
“ if the stars were made to worship so will I…
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I….
If the oceans roar your greatness so will I….
For if everything exists to lift you high so will I….
If the wind goes where you send if so will I….
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I….
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy….
Then we’ll sing a hundred billon times….”