I got this for Brad about 3 years ago, for him to have at work, and here we are 3 years later and God is using it for me in some many ways. The past few days I have really been struggling, life has simply gotten piled on me and I just need God to pause life so I can catch up. I had another echocardiogram yesterday because I could feel my heart, it has been feeling like someone is squeezing it and not letting it go, and I have been overly tired but afraid to sleep. When I say afraid, I know when my time on earth is done where I am going and there is no fear in that, and I should be excited about that, but then I look at my boys and I am not ready to leave them, I have so much to teach them and work to do, I look at Brad and I know we will see each other again but I just want to see him now. And even as I am typing this I can see how silly it is, like I can stop God plans by staying awake. Clearly I need more sleep! My echocardiogram showed that the thickness in my heart has increased, and my heart isnt resting, so it isnt able to fill up correctly and then parts of my body aren’t getting enough blood because there isnt enough to go around. It explains why my hands, nose, and feet are always cold I dont feel it but Brad and the boys do. So the big question is what can be done, we can try and fight the insurance again for a silencer to slow this rouge gene down, try and get into the trial that will be at MUSC, and pray. While he is sure that Covid had some to do it with it, the thickness is Amyloidosis.

After we talked all that flooded my mind was my dads journey, how when it hit his heart it was so fast moving. It’s so frustrating to have medicine available but not be able to get it because the insurance has a say if my life is worth having more time. Then I am reminded that God is in control over everything, my time on earth is in His hands, if I get the silencer and He says my time is done it doesn’t matter. I have to keep reminding myself of this, and put my hope in Him rather then medicine and getting it approved. Of course we will still fight the insurance with everything we have, something has to change they should not have as much power as they do, life shouldn’t hang in the balance because of money. Another lesson God is showing me over and over is how much Brad has grown in God, and I am so thankful I have a front seat to it.

Last night when he got home and the boys went to bed I told him the results and then just shut down, didnt want to talk about it, I was done crying about it, I was mad, and I wanted to sit and watch tv and pretend that it didnt happen. This morning he goes to work and sends me this verse. I see Judge against next week, and hopefully we have more to go on. I know he increased my fluid pills to double again because I am holding so much fluid again. Until then, I will enjoy life, enjoy my family, my friends, make memories, and be a witness for Him. There is this new song (well new to us) called Good to Me by Rhett Walker after I told Brad he was washing the dishes and just singing this song, he has an amazing voice, and it has been on repeat since then because as he was signing it, he believed every word of it, and if I get past the mess I put up so do I….

“So I will look this storm in the eye, I won’t fear for You’re on my side, My first hope, my last word, now and forever , let it rain, let pour, I will sing, ALL YOU’VE EVER BEEN IS GOOD TO ME!”

How can I not feel this, God has set me up for this very moment, the sermons at church for this moment, the friends that He has given me for this moment, Brads unwavering faith for this moment, I have the best Amyloidosis cardio dr for this moment, He saw this moment and already set me up with a wall of love, prayers, and protection. We just need to be strong and steady and walk the course….because as this verse says my JOY is in the LORD not my circumstances…..

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