It has been a week of ebbs and flows, and God has continued to refine me through them, regardless of my waiting a pause button, a time out from life for a minute to catch my breath, and I am so thankful because for the first time since my last dr appointment I feel light again. Hair has always been my way of controlling things, life got out of control I did something to my hair, bad news at the dr would go and do something to my hair, and then today happened. I have always been able to perm, dye, bleach, do anything to my hair and its been fine until now. Is it the Covid and all the medicine I was taking, is it the Amyloidosis I dont know, all I know is that my hair was damaged beyond repair. So today I went to see Mallory and we were going to cut out the bad stuff, I did not want my ears cut out because they are such a pain to grow in. While she was cutting it she said that they really needed to be cut because they were damaged bad, and I could hear God saying let go, something as simple as hair, just let go and I let her do it. All of my control that I thought I had I never did it was such an illusion.
After my appointment I really crawled into a hole, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming no matter how hard I tried. We had worship Saturday at church and I really wanted Brad to be late at work because I just couldn’t go it hurt too much. We went, and it was as if each song was being sung just for me, it all had a message that I needed to hear. Sunday service it was the same thing again, although I heard what God wanted me to Saturday night it still just hurt so much. It was about our box, and how we have our expectations and we keep them in that box, but if we just trust and let go of that box, there can be so much more. I had an expectation of what I thought life would be, and when i got the news last week, it felt like so much of what I wanted wasn’t going to happen. But Sunday God was telling me thats what I wanted and if I let that go, get out of my box it can even be better then I ever imagined it would be.
Today was the first step of leaving my box, and realizing that I am not in control of this body, and I just need to take what it gives me and move forward and stop letting it stop me. Makes me think of one of the lines of my favorite song…….if the wind goes where you send it so will I….