These past few weeks have been rough, everything was so dark to me I couldn’t see. I went to church and wanted to fade into the seats, I begged God to not have people come talk to me because it hurt, I didn’t want to feel anything, I just wanted it all to stop for awhile. When I got the news that my heart has significant decline in a year all I could see was my dads journey, all I could think of was I had 2 more years, and see the decline of what was to come. I was scared, for myself, for Brad, the boys and my friends. I was a shell of who I was, so much so that God Himself cancelled my Bible study last week. Last minute everyone had things going on or an illness except my sister, and God knew I was in no shape to talk about the Hope He gives because I couldn’t see it. BUT GOD! He never let me go, he ignored my requests of wanting to be alone, of wanting to fade into the dark, He had people come and talk, He had people reach out, He never left me, but held on to me when I was trying to run. Last Wednesday a dear friend stopped over and had a bag of gifts, one for each day. Each day brought me closer and closer back to the light, each day I could see the walls I built come tumbling down. The gifts were simple and fun, but it was the notes and cards, the messages and challenges of who am I, where am I with God, what chapter of life am I…each day it made me think, each day it made me go to God and talk, each day it had me put Amyloidosis on the shelf and talk to God about HIM and I. During these 7 days I had people text, message, and call no matter how much I wasn’t ready for it. And I had to figure out why I wasn’t, why I was pushing away friends…the question “how are you” some days I dont know, some days its too dark to answer, some days I am not even holding on, and I feel like a fraud when I give the I’m ok answer because these past 3 weeks I have been anything but ok. People are asking me how they can help, and honestly I don’t know. If my 7 day gift person would of asked me if that was something I wanted, I would of said no but God knew it was just what I needed. I am really not being stubborn, or holding out blessings from others I just don’t know. I am so thankful for the friends that God has placed in my life, that let me just be me, that don’t stop coming around, that keep poking at that wall, and mostly who prayer for me fervently!
A year, I have made it a year with Amyloidosis, and I am mad at myself because I have a bucket list and not much is getting scratched off! Symptom wise I get tired easy, I take more naps then I have since I was a baby because I get so tired, my legs are losing more feeling, and what flashes in my mind is my dad, and his walk with Amyloidosis. I have to keep reminding myself he had no treatment, there was nothing available to slow this down.
I am in a much better place today then I was 3 weeks ago, but I have a way to go yet to start walking this valley again, God has pulled me out of this pit and we are getting ready, but it hurts. My pit was safe, there was no feelings there, there was no expectations there, there was nothing, and I know thats not the place to be, but its hard to walk away from it and feel again. I need to get back to the place, where my expectations of how life was are not God’s and to throw mine away and walk in trust! A friend got me a bible study on the book of Habakkuk called Even if (its a must get). And its so God because we are doing Jeremiah in our Tuesday night study, so it worked out perfect. But this minor prophet has taught me so much, in his 3 chapters. God is good and He has a plan we could never fully understand on this side but “though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though the flocks disappear from the pen and there are no herds in the stalls, Yet I will celebrate in the Lord: I will REJOICE in the God of my salvation”-Habakkuk 3:17-18.
Amyloidosis isn’t my choice, but its where I am, and I want to get back to the place of where my mouth isnt just saying it but my heart FULLY believes it, that God is good, and I will REJOICE in that. That I will put down my expectations and walk with a light so bright for Him, that even though I am walking the valley, I have no more pits.
Today on this rainy day, I am thankful for my family, for my friends who pray and love me through the darkest parts and pray, love, and laugh me through the valley, I am thankful that when I couldn’t see God, He held on to me!!!!!!