By I want this verse not to just be something that I say, but something that I believe with everything I have inside. I know what I want, I want total healing, I want to be done with Amyloidosis, I want to live a long life with my family and friends, and I want to now fight my body on a daily basis. BUT if all that doesn’t happen I want to be just as good as if the total healing happened here on earth. I am trying, and lately I feel like one minute I am riding the highs, and the next I am in such a dark place I can’t even see God anymore. Yesterday I fell, I was walking and then I couldn’t feel either one of my legs and I face planted into the floor, ( I am ok), I laid there for awhile and I was so mad, so mad that this is where we are so mad that my body just isnt working the way I want it to. In that moment I told God that if He was using me to tell His story I was the wrong one, because lately my faith is wavering like an ocean wave, and it’s exhausting. Monday was work out day with my work out group, and I didn’t want to go I was just mad at the world. But it was nice and we were going to the school and I thought the boys could play at the playground so I went, and tried hard to fade into my car. The school was used so we went to the church and once again I tried to fade into the ground, didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I have some amazing friends who just push anyway no matter how much my face says leave me alone they just keep going. I was frustrated because I have been working out for 5 days at least 30 minutes each time, and the scale is not moving. I am not eating sweets, I am not eating carbs and the scale is the same. I was frustrated that I can only work out 30 a time, frustrated that I am fighting my body every single minute, every single minute! After a nice long chat with my friends, I went home and felt great, then the next morning getting out of bed I face plant. Waves, I am always riding waves, and I just want to be. A friend sent me a text said that I was on their heart wanted to know how I really was..I said I am tired of struggling. I can see a decline in my function and it scares me, more then I can put into words. It scares me for Brad and the boys, I know what it felt like to watch my dad, to see him suffer and there was nothing that I could do it help it, to take it away. It scares me that this weight wont come off before I can race my kids because my legs are getting weaker no matter how much I am trying to make them stronger. I dont want to be scared, I dont want to live in that, I want to live in this verse, that Even if, He is still good, and that alone gives me comfort. I believe that God truly is refining me through this Amyloidosis journey, and I am so thankful for the friends who never give up on me, and push through the Faye who tries to fade into the background. Today I put one foot in front of another and will continue to do so…because even if He is still good………
