I honestly feel like my life is full of ebbs and flows, and no longer day by day but moment by moment. Yesterday before church I took our dog out, she saw something and went to run and I about faceplanted off the deck. I know it was God Himself hat saved me from falling, because it would of been bad and nasty. I was rejoicing in that moment, and then a minute later it struck me in the 5 years we have had Willow she has never been able to pull me, there is decline in my legs and its frustrating. Brad is building us an entertainment/storage unit and needed my help to hold the door while he put hinges on and I couldn’t, yet another decline and its so frustrating to me that I am losing function. Today I woke up 10 pounds heavier then I was yesterday and my stomach and legs are so swollen I look like Violet off the Willy Wonka movie. Every time I think its ok to cut back on the fluid pills within a few days I swell like a balloon and then I am stuck at the house because the bathroom and I are best friends as I lose the fluid again, My mom is moving into a nursing home on 4/1 and I would love then nothing more to drive to PA and help her. I used to drive back and forth to PA like I was going to charlotte, and now there is no way I would be able to do it on my own, and I feel like I am losing myself piece by piece. The frustrating part is I know this is just the beginning, I know what this road looks like I had a front row seat with my dad. As much as my heart breaks for the dreams that I had, for the expectations that I had, it breaks even more for Brad and the boys, its a helpless feeling.
I say all this because right now in this season I am walking in a valley but I know that this verse holds true. I know that I will be healed maybe not in my time, maybe not on earth but I trust that God will keep His promise. God still has me here, and that means that He can still use me to tell His story, I just need to be open, accept what is and embrace where I am. I am praying that God helps me get there, helps me get to this point where my whole body burns with His promises and doesn’t focus on my losing function.