This is going to be one of those jumbled up blogs of emotions that are all over the place. Yesterday was hard, we had sunrise service and what was nice was we had heaters and I sat behind one but that meant I had nothing to hold on to when we stood to sing. In the middle of the song I began to sway because my legs were no longer there, I grabbed on to Brad and he helped me stay up. The parking changed at church and its a bit of a walk, they have carts to take you but I was determined to walk it on my own, 4 times I about went down, and there was Brad to help me stay up. He told me that we may need to look at getting a handicap card, but I don’t think I am there yet. To me that seems like I am giving in, that I am giving up and I just can’t right now. When we were outside playing with the boys, my legs would come and go and because I was on them so much by the end of the night I literally wanted to cut them off they felt like concrete blocks that were burning fire. I say this because yesterday was hard, but I got through, I say this because there was things that could of made it easier that I refused, I say this because Brad now is always watching and waiting to grab my arm and hold me up so I don’t fall. When I was at Cato on Saturday buying a skirt for church I about took out the shelf when my legs became numb and I just don’t feel them, but my brain knows they are there so I move and feel nothing. I say this all because it was hard, but I still laughed, I enjoyed having time with Brad and the boys, I laughed with friends at church, I helped at church I was still able to serve, while it was hard it was still so very good! When Brad grabs my arm and holds me up we have this unspoken affection that means the world to me. I say this because it was hard, but I made it through and not because of me, but because of Him.
I have been praying and looking at total healing as the only thing there is, and it brought such frustration because thats not where I should be. I am so thankful that God has placed amazing people in my life that can in a sense call me out and help me get on the path that I need to be on. See I was told that I could ask for total healing but need a have a belief that if it doesnt happen thats just as good whatever happens. That’s a big pill for me to swallow, and I am praying to get there. I am praying that God uses me for what He sees best and that I truly believe what He says that He intends good for us.
Yesterday was hard, but I saw good, my boys saw good. They know what it means when Brad and I link arms, that I am about to go down. But I don’t sit, I get up, I walk, I move, and I try every time to keep going. Yesterday I didn’t ask God to make it better, to take it away, I asked Him to help me get through it, I asked Him not to have me fall and take out this heater and all these chairs, I asked Him to help me make it on my own from the parking lot to the church. I asked Him to help me stand, and He did. I may have stumbled along the way, but He had Brad there to hold me up, catch me when I was about to go down. That was huge for me, it was huge that I wasn’t looking for Him to take it, but it help me walk it.
I pray daily, even moment to moment because I am still resisting, I am still putting walls up where I want it gone, still putting lines in the sand, that I will go this far but no further. And I want that freedom to just go, no lines, just fully used and I believe that He will get me there. I pray that He stays in my mind up front when the darkness tries to creep in, when the thoughts of my dads walk seep in and stop me in my tracks. I pray that He moves mountains that we can knock chunks off our bucket list this summer, I pray that more memories are made, and that my boys see Him in every step and every fall.
Yesterday was hard but He is greater then my hard, yesterday we laughed, yesterday we loved, yesterday we made memories and yesterday Brad lived his vows and that is one of the most beautiful things I have experienced.
Moment by moment He is refining me, and I am so thankful for people He has placed in my path. 2.5 years ago He knew what was coming and set things in motion that placed us where we are today, a path at the time I didn’t understand, a path that hurt my family and I but we walked it and I can see now why. I can see where He wanted us, because its what we needed to help us walk this path.
Moment by moment……REFINE ME GOD…REFINE ME……..