There is 18 inches from your brain to your heart, and while that doesn’t seem like a lot, these past few days it feels as wide as the Grand Canyon. Things I am going to say I know in my heart its not logical, I know in my heart that it doesn’t make sense but my head is struggling, it hurts, and it is breaking. Saturday the boys worked out front, and I helped not a lot,
I sat a lot took breaks when I needed it, but still by the end of the night I was at a level of exhaustion that hurt and was in tears with pain in my legs. Sunday morning the pain was still there, and along with it came anger and frustration. A friend texted me saying she was praying as we parked in the handicap spot because she knows I am struggling with it. I told her they mailed it so we wouldn’t be doing it, but asked if she would pray that this anger went away before church. Her prayers worked, but once the anger was gone, came the tears, I was sitting in church trying to hold it together and tears just kept coming,
I couldn’t talk to anyone because I know I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. Crying for the life I want, crying because I didn’t do that much and it caused so much pain, crying because my legs are there but are failing me, crying because I feel like a burden, crying because I am so hard headed and again refused the golf cart because I feel like then I am giving in and losing, as if Amyloidosis is something to win or lose against. I know all this doesn’t make sense, but in my heart i felt like I was losing all day yesterday and it just hurt. It hurt so much I felt like I couldn’t breath. The sermon was on marriage yesterday, and it felt like God was talking right to me, but then it just hurt my heart even more. Matt talked about your spouse being there to pick you up when you fall and it couldn’t of been more true with what Brad has had to do lately and not just physical but emotional. Yesterday I was mad at God, I know I shouldn’t be, I know who He is, but I was. He has the power to take this away, and He has the power to make me ok with this, and I want either one of those because this, this in the middle is too much. When Matt talked about how he struggled at one point with his son was sick, I wanted to shout, yes thats how I feel right now.
Then I got mad at myself for being mad at God, for not talking to friends who care, for shutting the world out yesterday. We had lifegroup last night and while Brad and I usually work together in adding things to the lesson, I couldn’t, and I knew better then to, I wasn’t right with God at that moment. The lesson talked about vows, and it just breaks my heart what will be coming for him, what he will have to deal with. How when he needs help and sometimes my body won’t allow me to is frustrating, and it makes me mad. I have cried more over the past day then I have in a long time, even know tears are falling from my face, and one thing I know is that God hears them, they are not a waste, they mean something to Him. I know Him and I will reconnect, I know He alone will pull me out of this pit I have put myself in. My legs still hurt, I am super swollen again, and it just hurts.
Yesterday we sang the song “here again” in church, and how I want these words to penetrate my heart…. “can’t control what tomorrow will bring, but I know here in the middle, is a place where you promised to be…..I’m not enough unless you come, cause all I want is where you are…..as I walk now through the valley, let your LOVE RISE ABOVE EVERY FEAR, like a sun shaping the shadow, in my weakness your GLORY APPEARS!” YES GOD!!!! MEET ME HERE. My head wants total healing, but my heart wants to be JOYFUL in this place. I am thankful yesterday for friends who just knew, I never said a word, but knew I wasn’t able to talk but just an I love you, for the one who went and got the golf cart because I would of walked back to the car and cried every step, because in my mind taking help openly admits that I have Amyloidosis and it is taking my function. It seems so simple a golf card ride, but it me it’s a reminder of what I was able to do and now can’t, and that just breaks my heart into pieces. Prayers are appreciated that God continues to work on me, that He hears every tear that falls, and they are saying words that I just can’t……..meet me here God…….let YOUR LOVE RISE ABOVE MY FEAR…..