By But God has always been my mantra. When I was told that I wouldn’t make it, I am here because of BUT GOD. He doesn’t fit into the molds, has no limits on what He can do. I have no problem with that, my life has been all about BUT GOD moments and ALL that He has done for me.
The sermon on Sunday was talking about how Jesus turned the water into wine, and how Mary took the problem to Jesus knowing that He would solve it. And this is where my issue comes in, where my BUT changes. Because I believe that God can take Amyloidosis away, that He can heal me, that He can break down doors and I can get the best treatment that I need. He can do ALL these things, BUT what if that’s not His plan. There is my struggle.
We just did a study on Jeremiah and Habakkuk and this verse just sits in my soul in awe of all that He can do, BUT what if it’s not for me to see, to experience….what if this journey is for my boys and I will never see what comes out of it on this side. Am I ok with that? Can I still walk in that?
Last night during study it was brought to my attention that my struggle is with BUT, because it’s changing. I have been praying that God change my heart, that He changes my BUT and lines my heart with what He wants on this jouney, and it’s like radio silence. Each day I still want healing, each day I struggle with my body and just lash out when Brad tries to make me see the left when I am stuck on the right side of what I am losing or lost.
BUT the struggle isn’t with Him, it’s me. He can not change me until I am fully willing to be changed, and there has to be some part of me that is still holding on, still putting up a wall that I won’t let Him tear down.
I struggle with why, because I know once that wall is broken, once that last piece is down, total freedom awaits me. Peace that can not be explained is waiting for me, I just have to go, BUT I am struggling with it and holding on to that last piece with my whole life. As if that will somehow make God change His mind.
It has been rough these past week, it’s especially hard when your Amyloidosis dr is 3 hours away, and there is only so much that can be done with your heart from a distance. Plus with Amyloidosis what really is there to do, the heart failure isn’t treated the same. I have been lashing out at Brad more as he tries and gets me back to seeing the positive, because once you look at the negative it’s hard to switch back. I couldn’t sleep last night and I was talking to God, and radio silence, BUT then it came to me. I am upset about all these things with my body and what is happening, and the road that I see, BUT what does God owe me? Where does it say that Faye will have a body that works till she just falls asleep and is greeted by Him?
I wish I could end this and say that, the last piece of wall I am freely handing over, but I am not, I am still clinging to it, and every once in awhile I will set it down but run back to get it. I am thankful for a patient God that just waits for me, and meets me right here surrounded by broken pieces.
I have always thought the only BUT GOD we could have is when He performs the miracle, but there is another BUT GOD is still GOOD, I may never see what comes of this walk, I may never see total healing, and it may get far worse then I am ready for, BUT GOD isn’t just in the miracle business of total physical healing, but also spiritually and just maybe thats the healing I never thought that I needed the most.
I challenge you to let Him break down your wall, experience total freedom and peace that is waiting, arms up in full surrender…thats what I am working towards. Let’s continue to walk each other HOME….
