These past 2 days it has been dark, to dark to write, to dark to even more, and to dark to even reach out. I couldn’t see God these past 2 days, I was tired of fighting my body, I was just tired and wanted to give up. I was supposed to have a scan tomorrow but it was going to be over 2k and I am just done, tired of draining us finically, just tired. I normally when I get in these dark places I reach out, or send out flare request for prayers but this time I didn’t. I am tired of being the one who always needs prayers, the one who is always battling their body, the one who always has a need, I just didn’t want to have to clean up my darkness to bring anyone in.There was only a few who knew and were praying, but for most had no idea.
But God sits with us in the dark, He sits with us in these broken pieces and hears the anger, hears the tears, and hears the heart when there are no words to speak.
What happened these past 2 days shows just that. I got friends who reached out with encouragement and encouraging verses, who had no idea I was in such a dark place that I could not see God. These past two weeks the sermons were as if God was talking right to me, giving me instructions because He saw the fall coming, He saw the pit that I was going to fall into. I found out that a sweet little boy mentions me most nights in his prayers, he sends prayers up to heaven for me, how could I even think of giving up. I had someone send me a song that had no idea I was struggling. Each person who reached out was allowing God to use them to reach me when He couldn’t to let me know that its dark now, but trust His word!
My bedroom theme is So Will I. I love that song, its a daily reminder that no matter how dark, no matter how bad, that I will praise Him, I will worship Him. So I have the words So Will I as a reminder when I get up if the late nights when it hurts so bad I can’t sleep. I have a rock lamp, and galaxy curtains. My niece sent me a galaxy projector. It’s like I am under the stars and last night as it was playing I just called out to God thanking Him for sending my friends, for using them when I felt so very alone. Sending them when I felt like I couldn’t even crawl a step.
I wish that today I was out of this pit, but I am still there, but I see the light its not all the way dark, and I know that God is here sitting with me broken, just waiting for that full surrender, where freedom can be found.
There is so much coming up. With all this talk about being this face of Amyloidosis and sharing my story brings so much of my dads story up and its so hard to walk through some days, so hard to keep myself from not going there and realizing that my story is not his story.
One moment at a time, one word at a time, and trusting His word, sharing His story and watching His hand weave in and out of my life. So thankful that when I can’t see Him, He Keeps reaching out to me!