Wavering means to become weaker, or moving in a quivering way. So what Go’s is asking us to do is to hold on, have hope in Jesus without moving or becoming weaker in what He has promised because He is faithful!

Why is that so hard?

I have been struggling these past few days with my body completely betraying me. When I lay down it feels like I am going to drawn in fluid, my legs hurt so much I imagine taking a chainsaw and cutting them off, and my fingers have lost feeling that 9 out of 10 fingers have cuts on them because I can’t feel anything, and don’t notice till the boys yell that there’s blood or I see it. It has been hard!

When it gets that hard, I rarely let people in, because I always feel like I have to clean up my darkness, my mess before anyone comes in. Saturday night I complained to Brad, I was done, I didn’t want to fight anymore. I simply put out a request for prayers, because even going to God, was too much for me. I slept on and off, waking up gasping for air, my dreams were filled with heart transplants.

I woke up for church Sunday not sure how I was going to make it, physically I hurt, spiritually I was drained, and emotionally I had nothing left. I was EMPTY. Which is what I was trying to avoid after hearing Dusty’s sermon on running on empty which I listen to 5 times already to try and do each step, to get myself out of this pit.

A few things I learned Sunday:

  1. No where in the Bible does it say life will be easy, it says the exact opposite. So why do I think that I deserve a easy life without pain and suffering?
  2. Refilling isnt just about following steps, but its a heart change, its aligning my heart up with God’s and only He can do that
  3. God will send you messages and people when you think you are alone and can’t see Him. This verse was preached on Sunday, 2 weeks before running on empty, Sunday I had a group of women come and chat with me, about life, about their issues, nothing Amyloidosis was talked about, we laughed, and I was able to pray for them.
  4. We can’t wait for life to be all butterflies and roses to praise God, we praise God because of WHO He is not WHAT He does.

While I learned all this my heart still tugs to the I am tired, to the I can’t keep going, to the I am scared of what is coming. Somehow on this walk I lost my focus, I took my eyes off Jesus, not fully but ever so slowly with each issues my eyes moved more and more till I couldn’t see Him anymore.

Life does that, it can come in a sweep your legs out from under you. Today I don’t feel any better, my legs are bright red up to my knees, my heart well it is a struggle to breath, but I am on the fluid pills ( I dont take them Sunday) so hopefully it takes all that fluid off and I won’t feel like I am drowning.

Look to Him, have hope in Him, DON’T WAVER because He never does!!!

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