This is an accurate picture of how I have felt lately, maybe its telling my story, maybe its reliving my dad’s walk, either way I feel like each day I losing more and more of who I am.
We can look back at the pool and see progression of the disease in how we had to make accommodations. First it was just a pool and a ladder, and it was hard to go up and down the ladder, so Brad built a deck which mean just one ladder. Last year that one ladder became too much and this year we had to buy steps, there are only 4 and I can sit and rest of I need to, heck ever crawl out. But what’s next?
Looking at my hands, the boys and I used to color all the time. My first Bible I ever had was given to my by Lucy, and it was a coloring one. It’s not finished and I don’t see it happening. Coloring is hard because my hands are not working like they should. I have switched to coloring on my iPad, but still looking for a good app to use. Then in church this past Sunday my hand locked up and wouldn’t write! I was in tears. I usually use my iPad to text now because I have a keyboard and it makes it easier for me. But what’s next?
My heart makes me more fatigued then I am used to, I am not a nap person, Sunday I was on the couch as Brad was playing the guitar and the boys were playing drums and I fell asleep! I dislike naps, but I just couldn’t keep going. But what’s next?
I can say that my trust is in Jesus, that I know He has a plan, I pray daily for Him to help my heart line up with His, so these bumps in the road don’t derail me, send me off into a spiraling mess. But do I? When Sunday happened, all I could see was the walk ahead, but what I should of done was focus on the now.
It is a hard balance living in the in between. The God can……but if He doesn’t. I am in the middle trying to find my way. And in that tangled mess I have made, I am reminded of this verse, that my prayers are in heaven in a bowl, filling heaven with a sweet aroma. I am reminded of 1 john 5:14 that if I pray according to His will He will hear me. My prayers are not going to the waste, He hears them, and that can bring me comfort when I feel like I am alone. When I feel like I am losing myself piece by piece and can’t find anything to grip onto….hold on to Him.
I hold on to His promises, today it’s a moment by moment reminder, and that’s ok even if its a snails pace I am walking and looking to Him. To continue to tell His story, continue to show His grace and love, and imagining my prayers in heaven.
Thank you for always being willing to walk with me on this journey, let’s continue to walk each other home……