God, I hear you!
My prayer has been for the past few months that God helps my heart line up with His will. These past few days, God has shown me what I need to work on, what my stumbling block is, what is holding me back from that freedom, and it’s me. It’s where my focus is.
These past few days have been hard for me, my legs and hands go numb but its the strength that I am losing, it’s the changes that are being made. My heart rate has been really low and that makes me super tired even if I do just one thing. With the changes, I feel like I am losing me, losing who I am, and that scares me.
Sunday the sermon was on focus, and being of a single mind, JESUS. It was exactly what I needed to hear, to live is Christ to die is to gain. No matter what I am going through to live is Christ, how can I not be rejoicing in that? I left service and felt great, like I could conquer a mountain if it came. We left, went to lunch, my stomach was revolting, but still pushing through. Came home and hung out in the pool, and then it was time to go to the middle school for fireworks. We have done that for the past 7 years. We got there early so we could park in the front. We got a great parking spot, and we went in and sat down. All the activities were down on the football field. I said to Brad I can make it there, he said yeah no. I knew he was right but I was so mad. They went to get their faces painted, jump on the inflatables and bring back from snocones. I was upset, and all of a sudden the sermon from that morning was gone. I was so focused on what I couldn’t do, I couldn’t see anything else. They started the event and had a prayer, and part of the prayer was thanking God for just being there. I know that was from God Himself because the rest of the prayer was mumbled and I couldn’t hear it.
I was there, I was present, I may not be able to do all the things I want, but I was there. I got to see my 11 year olds heart when he asked me 3 times if I wanted him to stay with me and give up the fun stuff. I got to take lots of pictures with my boys, and make memories. Brad was off, and he was able to take them down so they could go, and God got us an upfront parking space.
Yesterday was bad, I was in tears more then not, and I was just so tired. I tried to write notes when doing my Bible plan, but my hands were not working and it was so frustrating to me. I lashed out at Brad, because I didn’t want to hear anything positive about anything. I wanted to be in my pit and pout like a toddler.
Today is not much better pain wise, and my heat rate keeps dropping down into the 40’s but this was my devotional today and again I see God’s hand reaching down answering my prayer to line my heart up to His Will.
Convicted for sure, do I trust God more then Amyloidosis? Do I trust God even when my function is changing?
I want to, and I am so thankful He keeps trying to reach me, that He keeps helping me brick by brick tear this wall down, so that I can let go and just be. I can look back over these past few days, and see His hand all in it. So many laughs, so many moments that He cleared the way for me.
Where this road will lead I am unsure, but one thing I can be sure about is Him. He will never leave me, He will always be with me. Change my focus, change my mindset.
When God called Abraham, his response was Here I am….thats what I want mine to be…Here I am God…Your will, not mine!