Between

I feel like I am constantly living in the in between.
I know that God can heal me if it’s in His plan……..But it may also not be.
I know that my body requires more rest then I like……But then I feel like I am missing out on life, and time is so precious and I have a bucket list to complete.

I am in the middle of two worlds and lately it has been very hard to navigate.I have tried over and over to write MY feelings, but God keeps saying no so I know I am not in a good place just yet, He is working on me though.

This weekend I pushed my body as my dr says, and my heart needs a break. I am holding about 50 pounds of fluid, and am on “bedrest” right now.

I am thankful for friends who see past I am fine, and I don’t need help to just do it anyway. I am thankful for friends who I can go to and say I am so mad right now I can not even pray for myself, to not only pray for me, but enlist many who will also, it’s those prayers that are keeping my head above water, because these past few days I have been drowning.

For the past few days I have been asking God why He has me here, why heal me from so much to bring me here, I know what I need to do, I know what I need to ask, but I am not ready to be there yet.

What is amazing about our God is, He doesn’t wait for me to be ready, no matter how much I try and stay here, He plants flowers all around me if I won’t move….and He just waits…and I know He weeps with me…….