I have the first part of this verse down, the whole way home from the beach that was my cry, take this from me God, take this from me. I have always been able to find the flowers in the valley, to see some goodness but this past week I wasn’t able to. It was so dark, all I could do was cry out for Him to take this from me, nothing else could come out of my mouth, because I was so angry. So angry that God pulled me out of so much, to land here.
We had our vow renewal on the beach Saturday night in front of a big group of people who were just there, but watched. Watched us pray, watched us take communion, watched us praise God, it was such a high point to be able to drop so many seeds, for my boys to see, and then it was like I was just slammed into the ground. I struggled with my body, we had to leave early, and I am still struggling, with the possibility of MUSC hospitalization hanging over my head.
I have always been able to see the flowers that God plants in this darkness, but this time I just can’t it is so dark, I see them for a moment, and then my heart just goes dark. I learned that the Amyloidosis is still progressing and there is more thickness in my heart then there was a year ago. This weekend at the ocean, it wasn’t just a maybe there is decline happening, I saw it, I felt it. I wasn’t able to go into the ocean alone, I had to hold Brad’s or my sisters hand to get in and out until I could float some because my legs just couldn’t withstand the waves. My heart worked so much and I had no idea that I landed myself on houserest because I am holding so much fluid. My heart is tired. But in all that and if I am being completely honest I don’t know how to walk that road, to walk and just watch function diminish over time. I feel like I am losing myself each time I lose some form of function.
I am not anywhere I need to be but I still know the One who can help. While I can not do more then utter the first part of this verse, and then stomp away in anger when I get to the yet..I have reached out to friends who I know will pray on my behalf. I am thankful for friends who have come over and sat here and cried with me and then told me that Jesus didn’t quit and I can’t either. I am thankful for friends who push past my stubbornness and just do things I have no idea I even need, and just love me right where I am.
I have tried to write something, anything since I got back and every time I would finish God would say no, so I know that I am moving towards the light, but it just seems like a snails pace…I am so tired…praying that His Words penetrate my heart and we can move past this place…this place of darkness and loneliness, of feeling like I have reached the end….