Balance. That is what I am trying to figure out, with this new life, balance. I know I was hurting before Monday, but I thought that I could push through, I didn’t want to be a burden to Brad or friends. I thought that I could do it all, and I am realizing that I can’t….and well that’s a hard pill to swallow.
Monday is still very much a blur, I had no idea how much pain I was in, but I did send out weird texts, I found out later I sent Brad a text I was just going in for a simple EKG. Jacob had virtual PT and I never once chatted with her, and at the end never turned the camera to me like I usually do and say by.
I do remember the ambulance ride, and the lights, and my car following me. I kept focusing on my car, I had no idea it was Brad, I didn’t know if Michelle got ahold of him yet, I just knew that car was either Brad or Michelle….either one I know it was my people…and I kept focusing on that car and praying..I prayed harder then I ever have.
I remember thinking that I was going to die, the pain was so bad once I stopped and felt it, I had 3 does of Fentanyl and 5 does of nitroglycerin within a 45 minute period before I felt a small amount of relief. I wondered what the last thing I said to people was, did they know how much I loved them, and how I yelled at my boys that morning. I know that as much as this change is not what I want, I know I want more time and if thats what it takes to help this heart then thats what I will do.
My sister (Shelly) has been here since Tuesday and really helping me out, we have a month of my 1500 sodium a day diet meal plan, she has made me homemade low sodium condiments, spices, and dressings so I have a good start. She has been here doing so I can rest. Grocery shopping will have to be curbside, or if Brad is there using Betty (riding cart). I rolled my eyes, I am 43 and not feeling riding a cart to shop, but she made a good point. You rest on some things so you have energy to do the things you want. It makes sense, but my heart still breaks for this new, that I was just not ready for.
I know I never want a repeat of Monday, it was the scariest day of my life and for my family, and friends who stepped up in so many ways. It was frustrating to not have anyone know what Amyloidosis was, it frustrating to have to explain over and over what it was. It was scary for my boys to see their mom pass out in the car, to see their mom being taken into an ambulance with all these wires all over me, and still in and out of what was going on. Being in the hospital alone and knowing that Brad was just outside the glass but couldn’t come in was hard. So I know that to not have that hopefully happen again, I need to balance. I am not the person I once was…
I am thankful that God has been meeting me right where I am, not pushing me to move faster then I am ready to. He and I have had many late night conversations. Last night around 3:20 I woke up because I had pain again, it wasn’t as bad and I took a nitroglycerin and it went away. Today Shelly is working in the kitchen and I am sitting here. Everything in me says get up and help do something, I am tired of just sitting around, but then I think back to Monday and I am reminded that I NEED to sit, I NEED to let my heart rest.
I have an army of friends, who have texted and prayed for me and I am forever grateful for them, they will never know. We have had people check in on Brad, who was more scared then I ever saw in the 25 years I have known him. I am thankful that my sister was able to fly down the next day and be here to make sure that I am resting, and following doctors orders to even giving away my diet sodas (that hurt lol).
So we have 1500 sodium diet, no diet sodas, and have a raised bed coming because I am not to lay flat anymore. And we have resting more then not and really listening to my body and not push through. Thankful…just so thankful words will never be able to say how thankful I am….