Wednesday we got the results of the test that I had taken, and while we kinda expected what we heard, it was still a lot to take in. BUT GOD was already there, because Brad had already planned 3 days off, and God knew that I needed that so my focus would be on Him, and not the results of the test.
The test showed that I have restrictive cardiomyopathy, a significant amount of Amyloid deposits in my heart, and there is more thickening in the left ventricle since the last scan. It has been a year on 9/3 that I have been on the stabilizer medicine and it takes 6 moths to a year before you can see results. So we are praying that the medicine kicks in and next scan will show stabilization.
Sunday was rough. In church I felt as though my heart was being squeezed and stabbed at the same time. By lunchtime I had taken 3 nitroglycerin. Finally I couldn’t take anymore, I took another one, sent out a text to our Tuesday crew to pray, went in and laid down. I cried out to God, and put on a sermon on Psalms 23.
Living with Amyloidosis for me is a balance, a balance between making memories and being present to also knowing that my body is saying that I NEED to rest. Bradley had a football Saturday, and while the temps were cooler the sun was hot. But beyond that there was a hill and steps, and it was so frustrating that these things are a challenge for my body. It seems that if I push my body I need a day or two to recover and that is frustrating to me, and often times makes me feel so alone.
As I was listening to this sermon, I was reminded that as alone as I feel I am not, that not only is God my Shepherd but He is the one that leads me! None of this has taken God by surprise, He is not waiting to see what the outcome is He knows, and I should be able to trust in Him. It is something that I am working on moment by moment. I know that I want my boys to see that life can be hard, it can turn in directions you do not want to go, but as long as we are letting Him lead, we can trust that nothing but goodness awaits because the best is yet to come!
Not only is He my Shepherd, He is in the little details. As I was writing this I was crying, and in comes a FaceTime call from Tiffany my niece. God knew I needed a reminder that there is purpose for this, there is a reason for this, and to keep running the race. I have so many people who just send a text, a card, a call, a funny meme, and I know it’s God pulling me back to the race, picking my chin up so I look up to what’s to come and endure what is now, because He doesn’t lie and in this verse, I LACK NOTHING. Saturday was hard, but I got through it, I was there, I was present, and Bradley could look up in the stands and know his mama was there. Leaving a legacy for them..showing them that they too have to finish the race, and choose to keep the faith! It is a daily choice, but one that leads to overwhelming blessings.
My body may fail me, my heart may cause pains I think I can not take, but my faith , I pray my faith becomes unshakable, solid faith, that keeps my eyes on what is to come……