7 years ago I was introduced to Jesus, not a religion, not a set of rules to follow or lighting bolts would come down, but Jesus and His great love for me. Once I was introduced I was ALL in, questions upon questions to understand it all, I felt like I missed so much and wanted to get it all at once. The boys and I went to church every time the doors were open, unfortunately Brad didn’t share my newfound love. He grew up in church, and had walked away from it, was hurt by the things that happened and in his words “him and God had an understanding”. He would come to the important things, when I got baptized, the holidays or family events, but every Sunday or Wednesday was not going to happen. He was at home while we went, and I prayed, and prayed some more that God would light up in him so great he couldn’t fight it anymore. I never pressured him, forced him, or even made him feel bad for not coming because I wanted his homecoming to be his and God’s.
And it happened, one day he just started to come, and he has been on fire lately. Giving out Bibles, sharing the Word, doing studies, and bringing me back to the light when I slip into the dark. So much so that the other day he came home from lunch and I was just tired, tired of fighting, tired that God has me here in this place, and Brad’s response was the Bible says we are to PRESS on, not to give up. (“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14 ).
That was not what I wanted to hear, I know that it is what I NEEDED to hear but not what I wanted to hear. I texted my friend Lucy and complained about Brad and his positive attitude and how I was so tired, how could he not see that I couldn’t press on even if I wanted to. My first mistake was thinking that it was about me, I was right I couldn’t press on, but with Him I could, and somehow I thought it was all about what I needed to do, instead of leaning on Him to carry me. ( “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”Philippians 4:13 ) I even have the braclet!
Fast forward to Friday, when I found out that my pancreas is not working, they are thinking with how high my sugar is that it’s a complication from Covid. But insulin was needed, and insurance was not trying to corporate and needed a preauthorization before they would fill it. It was late Friday and I knew it wouldn’t get done, and I was done. I was tired of fighting my body, insurance, just everything. I came home and sat here and cried and begged God to take me home, and if He wasn’t then I was ready to help Him. It was one of the darkest moments I have been in, I felt alone, deserted, defeated, and tired. I reached out to no one, I just sat here and cried.
And then a text came, from Lucy. I look back now and see how even that fits in the very one that introduced me to Jesus, is the one that texted me in the darkest point. She texted that Thursday night while driving she was thinking that the “press on” mentality that Brad has that was working my nerves was an answered prayer. That I had prayed for that, that God would work in his life. That I was so afraid that cancer would take me out, and he would walk further away that I begged Lucy and Scott to make sure if I died that the boys would be taken to church. And here Brad is, working for God, letting His light shine through him, I PRAYED FOR THAT AND GOD ANSWERED.
She thought of this Thursday night, and didn’t text it to me till 4:13 friday, I know it was from God, I know He had her hold it till that moment when I was done. That I was in a place it was so dark, I wouldn’t be able to hear Him calling so He used what I would hear. I am so thankful for that text because I know it saved my life. It pulled me from a place I never want to be again.
This road is long and hard to walk, and I know I am not alone, but sometimes I feel like I am alone. Even in the Amyloidosis community I am younger then most, my dad was young when he got diagnosed and he was 57. They believe that all the chemotherapy and radiation that I took to save my life, is what made the gene active. Maybe, maybe I was complacement with my walk and God knows what reaches me, who knows why, and in the end I guess it doesn’t really matter.
If your with me after this long post, I say all this because we have the power as the body of Christ to change people’s lives. A simple text, a card, a post, an emoji to let them know you are there. I know that Sunday’s sermon convicted me on how much I am reaching out to people and how I just reach out to my friends, but thats not what Jesus calls me to do. I need to do better, I need to be better, I need to walk this better.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
I am working on this moment by moment, because I still see that I put my hope in circumstances and they let me down each time. But He, He never will, and if I keep my eyes on the best is yet to come how can I get to that place again.
I wish I could say that I am better, right now I feel like I am in a bubble, numb, but I can feel God working on me. Tonight in our women’s Bible study we are starting Titus and I could feel Him and I working on things in that book. I know He is still refining me, still working on me, and shaping me into who He wants me to be…I just need to let go and let Him work.