These past few days it has been dark, darker then I have ever experienced. As much as I wanted to leave this darkness, it seemed to encompass me. These past few days, I was ready to go, begging God to just let me go, that I could not walk this walk. This was a race that I could not finish. I felt shame for thinking this, I felt shame that my faith couldn’t bring me out of this pit I was in. I closed myself in because I was not about to bring this darkness to anyone. I felt so alone, even though I knew I wasn’t, but I FELT alone, like it was me in this dark pit and no way out.
Friday was my breaking point, I was physically exhausted, I could not stop crying, and despite my inner voice telling me to keep it in, I reached out to Lucy. I asked her to pray for me, that I was in a dark place that I could not get out of. I sat in Jacob’s OT fighting tears because the voices that were telling me I was a failure, a failure in life, a failure as a wife, mom, and this walk. I felt like the weakest person in the world. I just got the good news of being stable, I felt the prayers of people walking into my appointment, the shame I felt for dropping so low from that. How could I feel bad with such good news, when God provided above ad beyond for us?
She immediately started sending me verses after verses, and I thought to myself I know these, I know these, but why won’t they penetrate this dark place. I want the light. She told me that Satan keeps throwing down a rope and I keep picking it up with all these lies, that my eyes were seeing from a human perspective instead of a heavenly one. Sounds good but how do I make the switch. I was still as lost.
My sister reached out asked if I was ok because my answers were short, I told her no. Brad asked and I broke down, said I can’t do this. I just can’t.
Lucy came over today with this box. She wants me to fill it with all the blessings from God, His promise, and good things, so I can read them each day. The rope is also Satans rope dipped in frankincense and she wants me to burn it each day as I am spending my time with God, and that a nice scent can go to heaven. She gave me 30 and wants me to do this for a month. Revelation 5:8 is one of my favorite verses to think of the prayers of the people filling heaven with sweet aroma.
Tears were shed today, but this time in a different way. Lucy said that I need to reach out, that it isn’t a sign of weakness or a burden. She referenced Matthew 27:31-33 when even Jesus needed help carrying His cross, that we also need help carrying ours from time to time.
What she doesn’t know is that she is my stretcher friend. In Mark 2:1-5 it talks about 4 friends who knew they had to get their paralyzed friend to Jesus, but couldn’t so they took the roof off and lowered him down. It was so dark, there was no way I on my own could get back to Jesus and I am so thankful that she broke the roof off and lowered me right to Him.
I wish I could say that I am dancing in the light, but I am not. But I can see it breaking through. I know it will be a long road back, but a road I know I have to walk. When I heard the words stable, there was a joy inside that I couldn’t describe, but then life hit, and I was still so tired. Walking in walmart exhausted me, I wanted to cut my legs off with a chainsaw they hurt, and then the dog pulled me down because my legs gave out and she ran on her leash. I emailed my dr and asked why, why am I so tired. In a short answer while I am stable, the damage that was done, is done. My heart is still damage, my nerves are still being attacked, and this is my new normal. That was hard to take and just pushed me further back to believe all the lies Satan was telling me.
I know I have to do better in reaching out, I know I have to give myself grace, and I know I need to listen to what God says, I am working on it.
In the meantime I am thankful for stretcher friends, and praying friends, that will just take me to Jesus when I can’t…….