I love Tuesday nights, I love our study, and I love that God meets me there every single time. We have been walking through the Psalms and it has blessed me so much. I got a prayerful planner I am working on for the year. My words this year were deeper and surrender. My goal was also to look at what I have and not what I am losing.
I have been very open about my legs and the lack of strength. But while I was focusing on them I didn’t realize the lack of strength in my hands and the function I was losing. Last week I went to cut sweet potatoes and just couldn’t, it is by God alone I did not chop off a few fingers because that knife was going all over the place. Yesterday I made chicken tacos and cooked the chicken in the crock pot. 3 piece of boneless skinless chicken cooked for 6 hours, I took it out to shred it and my hands just couldn’t do it. It took everything I had, it felt like a powerful workout!
I wish I could say that I just brushed it off and moved on with grace. I fell to the floor in tears, I cried out to God how can He allow my legs AND my hands. What next? Why keep my heart stable if I am losing ME, losing function? I do not want to be a burden to Brad or the boys.
While I had my moment or two I did not stay there. The prayers of David in the Psalms and this book I am reading called Gentle and Lowly wouldn’t allow me to stay in a ball on the floor. Because as this Psalm we studied last night says His way is perfect, not mine, not His and my side notes, not His and my thoughts, just HIS. I have no idea how this road will look, I do not know if I will lose more function or if I will level off for a bit. BUT I know His way is perfect, I know He is not a liar, I know He is always there for me.
Another thing I have learned is that it is a choice. God is all these things, my rock, my refugee, my shield, but it is me that has to accept that, it is me that has to go to Him. Instead of sitting NEXT to the rock wondering why, or being in FRONT of the shield and feeling all alone, I need to take refugee in ALL these things He offers to be for me. It is a choice.
It is not easy, while I know it is a choice, I still fall into old habits and traps. I go to cut something that was easy to do before and now it isn’t and my mind sinks, or I go to walk and stumble, and I do grocery pick up instead of shopping, all these thing can take my eyes off God and His perfect ways if I let them, but I choose Him. Some days it is a struggle, and a battle in my mind, but His yoke is light, His heart is for me, and I choose JOY.
I am so thankful for my friends and their prayers, I am thankful once again that God meets us each Tuesday night in the book He leads us to do. I wasn’t sure how it would work out with Psalms but yet again He just shows out, and shows us His heart, gives us example after example on how to walk each other home……….