My goal this year was to look at what I have not what I am losing. It is a daily choice, a choice I have to sometimes force myself to make, and make moment by moment. These past few days I feel like satan is just sending me flash cards of all the things going wrong. I have this verse imprinted in my head because if I do not trust His Will I can see myself going to a very dark place.

I talked about the chairs and how Brad built me a bench, what I didn’t know was he was already feeling under the weather and it took longer they he thought (because he is a perfectionist) he didn’t put the tools away and it rained, and our garage is still leaking and well they rusted. I know he wanted to build the bench to help me but the guilt feeling is there. Like all these accommodations are being made for me and there his garage sits still leaking like a faucet. Bucket list things are being put in place for me, and what he needs gets put to the back. I know he would never admit it, never feel it but thats where satan comes in with his flash cards. It’s hard not to feel like a burden to him sometimes.

We are pretty sure he had covid, we didn’t get tested because what’s the point if we think he had it. Tuesday he came home from work and slept, then Wednesday he slept for 14 hours. He had a fever, no appetite, chills, and cough. He seems to be on the mend now. Went to do laundry so we can wash these germs away, yeah the dryer is no longer heating!

Yesterday I fell twice. I made some crock pot chicken tacos and when I went to shred the chicken it was one of the hardest things I had to do. After my hands hurt so bad. It’s like my hands don’t want to be left out when it comes to weakness. It is frustrating to be losing strength, I can deal with the pain but to lose strength. To know that my dad couldn’t walk, couldn’t feed himself, could barely use his hands at all. Satan likes to flash those cards too.

I say all this because Tuesday night we are studying Psalms and learning that David made a choice, it was an active choice to worship and trust God. For 20 years he was a fugitive hiding from Saul, running for his life. David was a warrior it would of been in him to take matters into his own hands and kill Saul, but he trusted, he waited on God and His timing, His way, His plan. I have to remind myself, that this is not attacks from Satan, because he has no authority over me, everything that happens God allows, and while I doubt I will ever this side of heaven understand why Amyloidosis was allowed, I can trust that He means good for me, that He looks out for me, and there is beauty in this pain if I trust Him.

So while flash cards are being sent up that my function is going, that I should feel shame and guilty for taking and Brad being pushed back, I will choose to worship, I will choose to look at what I HAVE, I will choose to be here and continue to walk home, finish the race, and finish the race well…….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *