Not shaken keeps coming up, coming up in our Tuesday night Bible study, coming up in songs that I have listened to for months and now that is all I hear. In my daily devotionals, it seems to be everywhere.
This week has been difficult, and once again I found myself at a place accepting help, and I still very much struggle with that. Michelle teaches the boys and I drop them off around 9 and pick them up at 2. This week I was so exhausted that the drive that is literally 4 minutes away would of taken all my strength. My heart rate sitting was hanging out in the 140’s and my legs were hurting so bad I wanted to cut them off. Thankful she offered to have Gregg come and pick them up. As soon as they left I went back to sleep, I would wake up in pain, pray fall asleep and repeat. I told friends I was tired, I didn’t know if I could keep going, I was so tired.
Tuesday night we still have Bible study it was on zoom, and the ladies bless me more then I could ever imagine! I knew even if it was one Psalm I needed it, I needed to no go into the dark place because I was afraid I wouldn’t come out. Plus I want my boys to see, that no matter what we push, Jesus is first and we do it. It was a great study and it amazes me how each book that gets picked that God meets us all in our current situation right where we are.
Wednesday I broke my toe. The tub and I are beginning to become enemies even with my new way to get out. I have lost strength in my legs and now my hands, so it makes it difficult. Thankful I didn’t feel the toe, which lead it bend in a way it was not made to bend.
My stomach has been on revolt to the 100th power. It is like my body is saying nope we are not doing stable, we are going forward. It wears me out, it takes a toll on everything.
As much as I keep trying to do things like cut cheese, make sweet potato fries, I can not and that part is hard. At the dentist for Bradley I had to fill out forms and my hands hurt so bad, I didn’t know if I could do it. Because Satan likes to take me to where else this will lead, what if it comes sooner then later? What if I lose my hands all together? What if my legs leave me now.
BUT GOD! God always steps in, if we are open to receive Him. I am so thankful that He pushes past my fears, past my stubbornness, past my thoughts and shows me who HE is, and that is where my focus should be. That I should not be shaken regardless of what happens.
I love how I am writing this, Brad is having church, his singing is such a blessing to my soul. I love how my boys are seeing Jesus move up close and personal. I love how God is using this to grow them into Godly men, and a Godly husband. Bradley knows peeling potatoes for me is hard, he offered to do it, said he has been watching to learn, it was the sorriest potato you would of ever seen, but my mama heart was so full of love for that potato.
Tomorrow is Sunday. I will take my husbands hand and walk into church, he sings so the boys will walk me to the back. When Brad is not around you can find them next to me so I can use them. Tomorrow you will see my hands raised to the One who will carry me through…because I will not be shaken, because He is MY Shepherd….use me God…you can have it all……