Sunday night was a low for me, I felt angry, then shame, and then even embarrassed as though my will enough would make my legs work better. It was a roller coaster of emotions and like I stated in my video (video was made Sunday night, its long but on here) I came in the house and cried, prayed and thanked God for friends.
I am ever so thankful that God uses these moments to show me where I am lacking, either in faith, trust, or submitting to His will. And let me tell you He showed me A LOT on Sunday night into Monday.
I wanted God to have my legs work from 5-7 why? Because it would be easier for me, but what would we have lost: the chance for my friends to serve Him by helping me, the boys seeing that we go to church when it is easy and get mad when it is hard, the boys saw the church helping their mama from the beginning to the end, and me o what He taught me! That this walk isn’t always about me and what I want, but if I am teaching my boys to do His will then shouldn’t I be the same? Isn’t His strength made perfect in MY WEAKNESS. Didn’t it show the boys that no matter how hard life can be take it to Jesus and you WILL get help? Didn’t it humble me by HAVING to rely on other people to help me. Maybe Brad was right when he called me hard headed!
I wanted my legs to work and when they didn’t I was mad and then felt shame that I was mad at God. I teach my boys that God is not some new Santa clause where we give Him a list of wants and move on, yet that was how I was treating Him. I was mad that walking up to the stage to play a game wasn’t even an option for me. But what I should of been was thankful that I was alive and there to experience the moment. Thankful that despite me God placed friends in my path to help me each step of the way. I was never alone, I had help when it was needed, and even when my mind was screaming I didn’t want it.
Maybe I am more hard headed then I thought! LOL
I also as much as I email Dusty to give me this magic solution on how to walk this, realized that we all have it, but it’s not easy, and not always what we really want. SUMBIT to HIS WILL. I thought I was, but it was His will that my legs were not going to work, and I fought Him literally every step of the way! It is hard to submit to the unkown of what is to come, and when I think of it I see my dad’s journey and it scares me. It scares me for my family and my friends. But why should it? If God is there why should I be scared? That is something I am working on with Him moment by moment.
I can say that this walk is refining me, refining my faith, and has me resting in Him more then I ever thought. Our whole family is being refined, learning a trust so deep, and seeing the love of God is so vast that we can not even comprehend it. My youngest has changed his prayer to “ help my mama, take away her Amyloidosis, and help her do your will like Jesus said” If this walk shows them Jesus, if it brings their hearts to Jesus then I would walk it over and over.
I am thankful for Sunday, because what the enemy tried to throw in my face, where he tried to keep me down, My God pulled me up, dusted me off, and told me to keep going and to look up. I am thankful for friends who push past my anger, my resistance of help, and just do it. I am thankful for their prayers and willingness to always help. I am thankful for my weak moment because it showed me where I am lacking…
Finish the race…and finish the race well…..