I have had this cane for almost a year, for almost a year I have looked at this cane, and every time it made me angry. As pretty as it is, it made me angry. If I used it, I felt like I was “giving in” to Amyloidosis. I have no idea where this thought has entered my head as though my sheer will alone will make my body work right, because time and time again it has proved not to be true.
Brad’s job. (Insert heavy sigh here) Getting people to work, to stay at a job, to work notices, are all the many struggles these past 2 years, and it has taken it’s toll. Another issue came up at work and he would have to miss church today. I panicked.
Friday was scary, I haven’t had a “heart issue” in a bit and it came on full force, I mean why ease back into it. But it felt as though my heart was being squeezed by a vice. I had trouble catching my breath. Saturday it settled some but I could still very much feel my heart, as I can today. I have swelled up so much that pants and I are not really happening. My body went into full revolt mode on ALL levels.
Church today, Brad has to work, and I have two boys who in their whole heart think they can stop me from falling, and I will do all I can to keep that alive for them. So I had to use the cane. I was angry, I will admit I walked into church angry, I wanted no one to talk to me, I wanted to sit there and pout. Yeah that’s the right attitude for church, huh! But it was real. So what happens of course people start talking, and then my precious friend sees the cane, and starts to talk to me about how she knows that I am not happy. I admit to her I am so angry, and without her even knowing it she was working with God to melt this anger away. As I was talking to her, I could feel it leaving my body.
The 2 songs today felt like they were hand picked for me. Evidence and Goodness of God. I could hear God saying, I have done all this, you are here, you are alive, (maybe not his part but it fits) suck it up buttercup it could be worse.
For the past 3 weeks we have had names of people on a board at church, and today we all went to the altar to pray for them. Of course there was no way that was an option for me, but instead of focusing on that 2 precious friends sat in the chair with me, they have no idea how they helped God continue to melt the fear, the anger, the sadness, the desperation around my heart away.
That was the message, Jesus cares about the desperate, only He can give them hope. So why do I look to me? To my legs? To my heart? Why do I gauge how my day will be on how my body is reacting? When what I need to do is GIVE IT ALL TO HIM, stop carrying it with me all the time.
My goal for this year was to focus on what I HAVE, not what I am losing, I feel like I am stumbling all over that goal. I take a few steps forward and then run back to pick it back up. I am working on it, He is refining me always, showing me where I am still lacking.
Today I am focusing on Him, His goodness, because that never changes, if I can walk or can not walk His goodness remains the same. My boys know the cane and I are not friends, yet they saw me use it, that church gathering is that important. We could of stayed home, we could of watched online, but lessons they are learning through this, I pray stay with them forever.
One step at a time, One minute at a time, sometimes One second at a time..focusing on His goodness, because
🎵All my life You have been faithful, All my life You have been so so good….🎵