God is constantly showing me areas where I lack faith, trust, and willingness. He is refining me as I continue to put Him on a time line. 2 weeks ago we had some precious friends come over and pray over us, that was Sunday night, Monday I expect to wake up and jump out of bed. When that didn’t happen I was frustrated. God through people reminded me, that He works on His time, and although we prayed for total healing that may not be in His plan. My head heard this but my heart was hurting, hurting from this miracle that I was so ready to happen, so ready to feel. And yet I was left once again battling my body,
Today we did a field trip to a museum, and it was rough. My legs hurt and are so swollen right now, I am 100% wiped out. To be completely honest I am mad, mad at the situation, mad at my legs, mad at myself for being mad, and just plain old mad. We did the museum but it was a lot of sitting for me, and the boys looking at the animals. Then they had this really neat outside area and I pushed myself to try and do it, but we only got to one area and I knew I couldn’t go anymore. The boys were saying “it’s ok Mama, we don’t have to do it” and it broke my heart because I knew they wanted to go to the stream, and see all the cool things and I wanted to do it with them. But my legs wouldn’t do it. Jacob on one side Bradley on the other to help their mama, and I will keep that alive for them that they are helping. They both said I need a rider, and then Jacob chimed in “ya know you could give us a tap when we are going to slow” I about busted out laughing.
On the drive how it was all the talk of how much fun they had, and then I was mad at me, because my goal was to look at what I have not what I don’t. We had money to be able to go, I was able to walk some, I was there and present, and as much as I try to stay there I feel myself being pulled to the things that I missed out on, how much of a struggle it was, and how much I am hurting now.
This picture sums me up, I am begging God to make me willing, make me willing to walk whatever road He has for me, because this straddling is emotionally draining. I want to submit and fully enjoy what I have. I don’t want to sit here in tears , crushed that my legs are failing me. Because thats how I feel right now. The boys have left for football it is me and my thoughts and I am crushed, and I do not want to be, I want to be in the moment where they said they had a great time, where we laughed. I want to be in the moment where we made memories..
O God make me willing….because I know freedom is there, and I know peace is there and that is what I know underneath all this mess of emotions that is what my heart longs for…..