I am being refined, each trial, each setback God is showing me where I am drawing the lines in the sand, God is showing me how I am still not surrendering.
Last week was hard, all week I was on new water pills and lost about 42 pounds of fluid. I cried to Brad that this walk was too much that I just couldn’t do it. Monday I was in a dark place, I had thought I had come out of it, I had thought that God had worked it out with me but I held on to it.
Saturday we had Bradley’s game and for an already struggling heart, sitting out in the blazing sun was a lot on my heart. So it reacted, to holding fluid, to struggling and for about 5 hours it was beating around 189 beats per minute just sitting there. I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. We got home and a few friends had mentioned that maybe sitting at Bradley’s game was too much for me. They meant no harm from it, just trying to help me, but I took it and ran to God. If I can not sit at Bradleys games, if I can not be a present parent, then what is the point? In being completely honest, I was mad, I was angry that God just would not take this away. Ashamed to admit it, but in that moment that’s where I was. As Brad and I walked (or he about carried me) to the car, I said we just need to pray I make it I do not want to pass out here.
Sunday’s service was on Philippians 4:8-9 and how it could be used in your marriage. But God told me other things. Am I so focused on Amyloidosis that I am not focused on what is true, what is lovely? Am I so focused on how this journey goes that is all that I can see? Am I the one making demands on God, and what I can do, what it is I want, how this road should look like for my friends that I am placing myself in the God seat?
He Refined Me! I say that I know this journey because I walked it with my dad, I saw it upfront and close, but God reminds me that when I walked it with my dad I was not walking it with Him. Walking it with Him is completely different. When I got home Saturday there was a card waiting for me from a sweet friend, that says they are always praying for me. On Sunday we had rain that we were supposed to get all week so we could see that the flooding garage was finally fixed. Sunday at church I had more people come up and say they were praying, and how God is helping them in their situation. I have two boys who are watching me walk this, what do I want them to see, a mama who follows Jesus where He takes her, or a mama that says I will only go this far. What do I want my legacy to be…….when I stand in front of Jesus do I want to say I quit?
I wish I could say that all is well, all is perfect but it is a moment by moment. I was sent the song “weep with me” by Rend Collective. It is a song that speaks my heart, I know Saturday He wept with me, I know that He walked each step with me, I know that He carried me and still is. I know He wants me to give it fully to Him. I know that He loves me, I know that He wants to me to look at things that are true and not focus on Amyloidosis. I know on days or moments when all I can mumble is Jesus that He understands.
Refine me…God keep refining me…….