I am in a dark place, I know it, but yet I feel myself unable to crawl out. I feel like our family keeps getting belted with things and it has become too much. I hear the lies from Satan, I know they are from him, yet I find myself finding truth in them. I have my friends telling me verses, telling me what I need to do, yet I find myself sitting on the sofa pulling the blanket over my head begging God for a pause.
So many changes happening here, and it is hard to keep up let along take a minute to catch your breath. In all this I have 4 eyes watching, wondering, seeing how they need to react on how we react. I am trying to get back to the light but some moments it seems impossible.
Even in the dark, even in my moments of pulling the covers over my head, God still is calling me to come out, to ignore what Satan is saying, to look to Him.
We had to take Brad to the ER for his heart (we thought he was having a heart attack, his blood pressure was crazy and had chest pains) becuase we had the boys I couldn’t go in. They didn’t eat yet and with water pills we needed a bathroom, so off o the gas station we went. The cashier gave the boys free pizza, and I know that was God making sure they were cared for. I had so many texts from people offering to come and get the boys, but they stayed with me. More so for me then them, it was then the darkness was creeping in and if I held to them i could fight it some or so I thought.
Brad is ok, there was no heart attack but he is following up with the dr today, his blood pressure is still very high. When we got home that night and the house was quiet the darkness I thought I could fight off overwhelmed me. I know it is not me that can fight it but Him, I just need to let go. But for once I am unsure how to do that…..
I got this in the mail yesterday but no one checked for mail and didn’t see it on the porch so this morning I get up and there it is. Once again I know this is from God, the timing is perfect. It is a prayer shawl from my sisters church pastoral care team. I cried because I know it is God reaching out, and yet in still I feel like I am stuck behind this wall of darkness. I feel trapped.
I say this because people always say I have this great faith, but I don’t. I have weak moments, I have dark periods. I am not a faith giant, I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other in this walk.
For now…I will go through the motions and keep looking for the light to pierce in, I know when I allow it, it will pierce the darkness. Even that sentence sounds so simple, and yet as I typed it I realized how it is not. Who would want to sit in the dark? Not me. But I also know it is me that has to allow the light to come in. One moment at a time….one moment at a time….